“I WAS HOPING FOR POWER TOOLS,” SAYS DISAPPOINTED HUBBY
When word leaked out that a woman had given birth to a spatula, Weekly World News was on the scene. In the sleepy, rural town of Balloon Falls, Pennsylvania, history had just been made…or not. Arriving in the waiting room, WWN talked to the head surgeon, Doctor Andy “Aces” Mulrooney. He confirmed that a woman had just given birth to a spatula. “Oh, not just one. A whole spatula set with scrapers, brushes and spoons. Non-stick.”
WWN was confused. Wasn’t the doctor astonished? He shrugged. “Oh, no, this is a once a month thing. She takes these pills, okay? For some reason they cause her to give birth to kitchen appliances and utensils every thirty days. She seems happy enough about it.”
The “she” in question was named Sheila Festune, a perky woman in her mid-thirties who cradled a twelve piece silicone spatula set in her arms. The utensils seemed to glisten under the gaze of her sparkling eyes. “Aren’t they bitchin’?” she beamed.
Also in the room was her obviously distraught husband, Harry Festune, a local carpenter and wood-carver who resembled a melting totem pole but with eyeglasses.
We asked Sheila how this routine “miracle” came about. “Well,” she confessed. “I’m addicted to Buy This Stuff Shopping Network, BTS. You never know what kind of things will go up for sale. I saw this tall, slender man, with long fingers, come out and tout these ‘New Experience’ Life Pills. So, I ordered them and started taking them once a day. I felt great. Four weeks later, I thought I was having an acid reflux attack. I fell onto the bed, clutching my stomach, and passed out. When I awoke, I had a microwave between my legs. A new one.”
“THE GINSU KNIVES WERE A BEAR.”
“A month later, it was a silverware set. That was tricky. A blender was okay. The ginsu knives were a bear. I really appreciated the Teflon frying pan and skillet set. When I saw there was a pattern, here, I called ‘Aces’ and he guaranteed me an ambulance every four weeks. He’s writing a book.”
The surgeon nodded, “I don’t know whether it should be fiction or non-fiction.”
When asked about the pills, she grew almost conspiratorial. “I ordered three more batches,” she whispered. “When I called for a fourth? BTS told me it was ordered by both the FDA and NASA to take them off the market. Then, a package arrived. It had weird postmarks on it. It was ten more batches.”
Did she still have the packaging? “No,” she answered, “but I kept the stamps.”
She went to a desk and produced a dozen holograms floating above her hands. “They’re kind of fluttery.”
Under careful examination, it was discovered that the pills were manufactured…on the planet Gootan!
“You’ve been ingesting pills from an alien-infested planet!” the doctor declared to Sheila.
“Kewl,” she replied. “By the time I’ve run out of pills, my whole kitchen will be outstanding. And, if I start doing palates? I’m thinking: living room.”
AT THAT POINT, HARRY STARTED HOWLING
At that point, Harry started howling and throwing punches at his face. Fortunately, he was limber and dodged and ducked his punches. “What about me? I was hoping for power tools! That’s because I use my hands to carve wood! I design things! I’m a tactile guy! Why can’t I have tools? Why can’t I have something that I want!? A hammer! A screwdriver! You know what I want? I want a backyard barbecue! A gas-powered backyard barbecue!”
Sheila laughed nervously. “Dude, I’m like, what, 120 pounds? Get a grip.”
The doctor chortled. “Why don’t you try popping a few pills yourself? You want a grille? Get a grille!”
We all laughed. None of us noticed the glint in a deranged Harry’s eyes.
One week later, Weekly World News received a message from Doctor Andy “Aces” Mulrooney. Harry had chucked a half-bottle of the Gootan pills and had defecated a wondrous gas backyard barbecue set with six extra tanks of gas. Mulrooney then informed us that he was setting up a “Go Fund Me” account to pay for blood, new internal organs and a nine dozen staple guns.