As America grapples with the coronavirus outbreak, a small army of medical TV shows is donating masks, gowns and other supplies to local hospitals in order to help during this time of great shortage. Such shows as “Grey’s Anatomy,” “The Resident,” “Station 19,” “The Good Doctor” and “New Amsterdam” are donating medical equipment to hospitals both stateside and in Canada.

Now, other shows are following suit.

“Bar Rescue” is donating an entire bar’s worth of hard liquor to whatever hospital is in need. “It can be used in lieu of hand sanitizer,” said an anonymous spokesperson. “Or, it can be used to just get shit-faced in-between shifts.”


The various “Star Wars” spin-offs are donating 1,000 Storm Trooper masks to hospitals. Said a publicist, “they can be used as face-masks. They have really good ventilators plus these little voco-microphones than make your voice sound threatening. I think any hospital would love them!”

Not to be outdone, “Star Trek: Picard” is offering a decade of retrofitted Trek alien facemasks that can be trimmed to take the place of surgical masks. “You’ll strap them on behind your ears like any other mask but you’ll just look like a lizard-man or a squid from the eyes down. Kids will be thrilled.”


“CSI: Los Angeles” is donating thirteen hundred pounds of explosives to the entities that need them most, as well as four-dozen pairs of women’s spandex pants.

“Law & Order: SVU” is donating 500 sets of handcuffs and leather gear to be distributed to couples in isolation. “Nobody needs to bored at home,” said a spokesperson. “We have a lot of fetish outfits we can send out as well. Who knows how many relationships and marriages will be born anew thanks to our efforts. Or restraining orders.”

“America’s Got Talent” is proffering 200 HAZMAT suits found in Howie Mandel’s on-set wardrobe room. “Dang! You can’t get more isolated than that!”

Six-foot masks to Darth Vader rasps

“The Masked Singer” has pledged to donate 100 facial masks, although they might resemble animal heads and be six-feet tall.


“Shark Tank” has refused to join any relief effort that doesn’t turn a profit, but “Roswell, New Mexico” is promising an alien cure.

But what effects will these TV efforts have? We turned to a recipient hospital to find out the results.

Wearing a lovely Darth Vader helmet, 80-year-old Sister Mary Lourdes, head of the Footfall, New York hospital “Our Lady of Incredible Pain,” marveled at how swiftly the… “stuff”…arrived.

Sounding a lot like Darth Vader, the elderly woman breathed: “I can’t believe all this. I put this helmet on and just talk and all the kids call me ‘cool.’ In sixty years as a nun, I’ve never been called ‘cool.’”

She whipped out a lightsaber and executed a few lethal-looking moves. “When things get back to normal, we might use these instead of yardsticks to keep the parish school kids in line.”

As to how the extra gifts are affecting the hospital. “It’s mostly crap, really. We’re being asked to break out into ‘The Hallelujah Chorus’ because half of our doctors and nurses will look like squid people. We need actual equipment to save lives but the Feds don’t care about us. We’re not a rich county.”

She added with a hoarse Darth Vader laugh. “But…we’ve taught many of the Feds’ kids. And the Feds’ kids’ kids. We know secrets about these buffoons; secrets that could destroy their careers! Bwah-ha-ha! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! They’d better address this problem fast or else!”

So, one might say, the TV effort is working.

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