CDC Warns: DON’T USE MASK FROM ‘THE MASK’

Amidst the panic surrounding pandemic COVID-19, Director of the CDC Dr. Robert Redfield declared that “while those with confirmed or suspected [COVID-19] should wear facemasks until they are in complete isolation, please refrain from wearing the mask from the movie The Mask, as it will only cause further difficulty and unnecessary hijinks for those on the medical side.”

The announcement was prompted by the shopping frenzy surrounding the virus, in which thousands have flocked to their local pharmacies and convenience stores and have bought out many of the standard-issue facemasks. As a result, the envy of the Johnny-come-lately’s has made them…well, green.

“I know it’s tempting in this ‘Age of Hysteria’ to strap on any mask that you see lying around, whether it’s in aisle five of Duane Reade or at the bottom of an enchanted lake off the side of the road. However, we’ve seen first-hand that some masks—and in particular, the one from Jim Carrey’s 1994 hit—can, medically speaking, be more harm than good.”

“And yes, the ‘harm’ I’m referring to is less about upper respiratory damage and feverish spikes that carriers can exhibit,” Dr. Redfield clarified, “and more about the general cartoon-animation that—I’m not afraid to say it—can be really entertaining from afar. But if you’re actually there, it can also be quite destructive.”

“OOH, SOMEBODY STOP THEM!!”

…reads the NYPD’s official statement on the recent events. In total, the Big Apple alone has been victim to 14 bank heists, 22 explosions of looney-toon-style dynamite, and 12 damsel-in-distress situations in the past 14 days. To be clear, each of the “damsels” was ultimately saved by the masked-men in feats of heroism; however, in a recent survey, an overwhelming majority responded “strongly agree” to the prompts of “we wouldn’t have ‘damsels’ anyway if there were no green masks,” “the whole ‘damsel-in-distress’ trope itself is a little antiquated,” and “Yeah, it’s sad, but this movie generally does not hold up well.”

“It’s just the last thing we need right now,” reports NYPD Chief Ron Gilbride. “My guys are out there looking for these masked wahoos when they should be social distancing. To be frank, it’s been much more of a problem than the virus itself.”

BUT HOW CAN CARREY-ERS TELL?

Many of the questions raised at the presser came back to the same simple, inescapable dilemma facing carriers: how can you tell whether a mask is an approved, CDC facemask, or an unapproved creation by the Norse God Loki and from the classic slapstick smash?

“Generally, the one from The Mask is really green,” comments the Principal Deputy Director Dr. Anne Schuchat. “Ours are white, or sometimes off-white. Also, ours have elastic flaps that stretch around the ears, whereas the one [from The Mask] magically clings to your head. It’s a technology that we aspire to, but unfortunately we’re just not there. At any rate, if you find yourself between two masks, ask yourself: is one of them green? If so, baby, pick the other.”

MAYBE WITTLE BIT?

When asked about functionality, Dr. Schuchat’s remarks raised a few eyebrows. “Honestly, from the perspective of preventing the transmittal of the virus, they are fairly comparable. Both cover the necessary passageways from which the virus can escape. In fact, if you happen to be on the meeker side, maybe a wittle bit of a scaredy cat,” she contended in a mocking, baby’s voice. “Maybe want a wittle backbone to stick up to an annoying boss, or talk to a pwetty girl, hmm?”

She cleared her throat.

“The one from the movie might actually be the better option. Given the circumstances, though, we ask that you opt for the standard issue.”

General Warning To Those With Pre-Existing Conditions And Regular SSSSSSSSMOKERS!

The CDC heads concluded with broader words of caution about the virus-at-large.

“Remember to wash your hands at least five times a day, and wash diligently for at least 20 seconds each time,” directed Dr. Redfield. “Stay hydrated, maintain social distance, and work from home if you can. These are uncertain times.”

And for those that detect a personality change in friends or family:

“Report it. Immediately—especially if it’s drastic. If it’s a patient, it’s a virtual certainty that it is The Mask. If it’s a doctor, well, it might be a Nutty Professor situation. Which still should be reported, as there is a lot of crossover there.”

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