RESUMES 2020 ELECTION CAMPAIGN!
WASHINGTON DC – After a tense few days, the test results have finally come in. Bat Boy does NOT have coronavirus!
Last week, Bat Boy was on Capitol Hill meeting with a number of Senators and members of Congress to discuss his plans to unify the country. Unfortunately, Bat Boy spent some time in a heated discussion with Senators Rand Paul and Senator Joe Manchin. When news broke that Rand Paul had to be tested for coronavirus, the CDC contacted Bat Boy. Out of an abundance of cautious, Bat Boy was also tested.
Bat Boy spent the week in his cave in West Virginia. He did not let any of his staff or friends near him. Bigfoot tried to visit him, but he was too big to fit into the hole leading to Bat Boy’s hideaway. The two mutants did speak to each other through a crack in the cave wall.
There was rampant speculation in the mainstream media that Bat Boy had something to do with the coronavirus. This was a twisted rumor that began with some irresponsible reporters. They wanted to put blame on Bat Boy, by assuming the virus started with a bowl of bat soup in Wuhan, China.
Bat Boy strongly denied anything to do with the coronavirus and slammed his critics for even suggesting it. Through his interpreter, Bat Boy told Weekly World News that “I totally condemn anyone who would even think about mating bat soup. It goes against every fiber of my being. I am half-bat! Why would I do that? I wouldn’t eat human soup either!”
BAT BOY BACK IN HIS CAVE
There was some good news while Bat Boy was in isolation. Jennifer Aniston, who has long been a fan of Bat Boy and his Right-Wing, Left-Wing Platform, announced that she would be campaigning with him for the 2020 election. Aniston reportedly told a friend that she feels he would be the best choice for president. “We’ve had a mutant in The White House for the last three years. It’s time we had one with a heart and soul. And Bat Boy has a huge heart. I know him so well.”
Some say that Jennifer Aniston has romantic feelings for Bat Boy, which has thrown Taylor Swift into a tizzy. Swift has reportedly has written a song warning Aniston to “keep your hands off my mutant, friend!”
Vice President Pence invited Bat Boy to the podium in The White House Press Room to announce his negative test results. Bigfoot, his Vice Presidential running mate and Ph.D., Ape, his campaign advisor joined Bat Boy for his announcement.
After screeching for twenty minutes, reporters stood and applauded Bat Boy. The campaign can now continue!
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