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BAT BOY WINS IOWA!

Monday’s Iowa caucuses were expected to crown the first winners in the Democratic primary process. But instead fell apart amid a hail of high-tech glitches and organizational mishaps. 

“There was no real winner,” said Nicholas Erdman, a political analyst for True News News. “Which meant that everyone is potentially a winner.”

That was true for Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar, who spoke early and maintained her momentum. It was true for former Vice President Joe Biden, who was able to thank his supporters and speed out of town without addressing what were likely lower levels of support. It was true for South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg, who made a victory speech toward the end of the night. And it was true for Bat Boy.

“It definitely helped,” said the Independent candidate through a bat interpreter. “I wasn’t technically in the caucus, but this allows me to spotlight my support. It also lets me get back to one of my central issues, which is election interference.”

Crowd in Des Moines waiting for Bat Boy to take the stage.

EARLY WARNING

“In fact,” Bat Boy continued, flying from rafter to rafter, “this whole Acronym/Shadow debacle just proves what I’ve been saying all along, which is that technology without discretion is a disaster waiting to happen.”

Bat Boy had come to the state, not just to drum up support for his candidacy, but to visit the ailing sister-in-law of his running-mater, Bigfoot. “That’s why he’s not here now,” Bat Boy said. “He’s at the hospital. But look: that’s part of what I hope to restore to America, the sense that personal connection matters more than anything. All politics is retail.”

RUSSIANS AFOOT

Bat Boy noticed the interviewer’s attention waning. “But to get back to election interference. I am pretty sure this is the Russians hacking in and messing up this app. There he goes again: Ol’ Vlad the Derailer.”

“We have no proof of that,” said Bigfoot, suddenly on the scene. “All we can say is that it was an unfortunate series of events that reinforces the importance of a smooth and transparent process.”

“Oh, he’s always worried when I speak out of turn,” said Bat Boy. “Let’s just say that it’s not not the Russians.”

“On to New Hampshire,” said Bigfoot, desperately trying to change the subject.

Bat Boy 2020 issued a statement to Weekly World News later in the day. It emphasized that it is confident the campaign will continue to expand its support across all 50 states. Bat Boy was quoted in the release: “We are a movement now. We are going all the way to the White House! Wings Across America!”

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