“It just wasn’t Kosher!’ declares Bar Mitzvah boy’s Mom.

Police descended upon Cross-Eyed Betty’s Bakery in Brooklyn today after two mishandled orders resulted in a stripper being baked into a six-foot cake and delivered to a Long Island bar mitzvah while a much smaller cake was delivered to a raucous bachelor’s party on New York’s Upper West Side, accompanied by a Klezmer band and a man dressed as a pirate with a stuffed parrot on his shoulder.

Said Detective Scott Burman, “This is the kind of cake, I mean, case that wants to make you eat your gun.”

When police traced the mix-up to Cross-Eyed Betty’s, they rushed the place and confronted the bakery’s owner, Cross-Eyed Betty Henderson.  As the police stood in front of her, she turned to the doughnut counter and told the doughnuts. “This isn’t our fault. I took the order myself. I thought the ingredients for one of the cakes were kind of odd but the customer is always right.”

She, then, turned and talked to a spatula, “I stand by my bakers. The ones who are left after this last ICE raid, that is.”


Police suspect that the mix-up began last week when Whiff Bennington entered the bakery at the same time as Robert Levin. They both ordered complicated cakes. Said Bennington: “I was in charge of my friend’s bachelor party. I thought that my buddy Tadd would have fun if we brought in a cardboard cake and have a stripper pop out of it. We contacted a local stripper, “Bouncy” Babs Bulbous, and she agreed to it. Jacob and I bought a phony cake and decided that it would be even funnier if it was actually decorated so it looked real. We brought the fake cake and Babs to Cross-Eyed Betty’s. Jacob ordered a smaller cake to actually eat. That was the last time I saw ‘Bouncy,’ bless her tasseled heart. We’re paying for her funeral.”

Shortly thereafter, police surmised, Robert Levin was giving an order for his son’s bar mitzvah. “In retrospect, I regret going to Cross-Eyed Betty’s. It was part of a package. We had the pirate, the band, we even had a magician. All she had to was bake a damned cake. I should’ve known something was going to go wrong when she took down my order on her sleeve while talking to a bin of Kaiser rolls.”

The following week, the nightmare began, with little Bobby Levin cutting into his massive cake and watching a baked stripper tumble out. While other children recoiled, Bobby jumped up and down. “This is the best cake ever,” he enthused. “Today I am a man!”

His mother rushed over to carry him off, screaming “This isn’t Kosher!”


Meanwhile, on the upper West Side, bachelor Tadd White was presented with a small cake, a band and a pirate with a stuffed parrot on his shoulder who repeatedly asked him ‘Who’s a big man, today, sonny boy? Argh!”

Whiff, the planner, was aghast. “The band and the pirate nearly drove us out of minds. Then, a magician showed up. The smell of rabbit poop was everywhere. After he pulled a scarf out of Tadd’s nose? I had to fight off the rest of the guests who wanted to kill him.”

Police are, reportedly, stymied as to what charges should be brought against Cross-Eyed Betty. “Reckless baking?” said Detective Burman. “Is that even a thing?”

One day after the story broke, Burman still sat, determined, in Cross-Eyed Betty’s trying to figure out the legalities. “I have some sort of crime, here. A crime I can’t identify, yet. I’ll watch and wait. In the meantime, these doughnuts are delicious.”

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