HOLY MACKEREL

Village Worships Sacred Fish

BETHANY, THE JORDAN RIVER –  One of the most famous figures in the New Testament is John the Baptist, who immersed people in water to cleanse them of sin.  However, Weekly World News has discovered that John did not acquire his skills overnight. He spent months experimenting with different methods using fish as test subjects.

“This river is the home of the Holy Mackerel, the first fish John truly baptized over 2,000 years ago,” said Carpus, a local fisherman whose family has watched over the extraordinary fish-line for millennia.

“The people of Bethany had heard there was a stranger living by the river and sought him out. John had spent the day drawing fish from the river with a net, blessing them with different phases and different amounts of water, then lowering them back.  It was not until the last fish, a mackerel, that John found the proper mix.  As the Bethanites watched, the fish glowed with what seemed to be a halo.

Since then, the Holy Mackerel has been an unofficial saint to the Bethany natives. When one of them is sick or injured, they are brought to the river.

“I call the Holy Mackerel forth from the water to heal the sick,” said Carups, who uses a cross-shaped book to attract the fish. The fish he hooked did possess an ethereal glow. It was difficult to say whether that came from heaven or from the harsh sun glinting on its silver belly.

Blessed or not, this wasn’t the only time a biblical figure employed the trial and error technique. According to Professor Edward Thomas Lawrence.  Moses tried to talk to a rolling boulder and a trick-playing sheep before he found the burning bush.

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