Hey you, Halloween monsters, keep haunting, we’re halfway through the best month of the year.
editor@weeklyworldnews.com for all conundrums Halloween, otherwise don’t talk to me until November!
BIG PHARMA SKELETONS
Dear Dotti,
It’s me, Pazuzu. Most souls know me from the movie I starred in, The Exorcist. Since my heyday, I’ve found a lucrative side gig in weight loss. Projectile vomiting while your head spins can really melt off the pounds. I collect souls while their bodies turn to skeletons. WIN-WIN! Despite my fifty-year track record of success, my numbers have dropped like a sinner into hell! Everyone is reaching for Wegovy, Ozempic and Zepbound to achieve results that cost them an arm and a leg, but not their soul. Barf! GLP-1s are better than an archbishop at keeping me away. I thought I was fighting the Lord, but it turns out I’m fighting BIG PHARMA! What???
—signed, Your Ol’ Friend, Pazuzu.
Dear Demon of Disgusting,
I prefer my pea soup from servers named Bertha. It goes down and stays that way. So don’t come crying to me about Western medicine offering a better solution than possession for losing weight. Until Richard Simmons descends from heaven in wings and short-shorts to grapevine us across our living rooms, America is hooked on shots. But your cause may not be lost. Rumor is your boss runs Big Pharma. It’s the only explanation for the prices and the lifelong subscription.
–Dotti
LAWN BONES
Dear Dotti,
I wanted to decorate the lawn for Halloween, but I don’t have Home Depot money in this messed-up economy! So, I ordered a fifteen-foot “Man of Bones” from Temu, and what I got was… how do I describe this thing? First, it smells like burning tires. Next, it has a baby hand growing out of its eye socket, ribs shooting in all directions, and kneecaps — I think. I’m scared the teeth are actually growing, because they were NOT that big when I opened the crate. It’s malformed in a way that defies both anatomy and gravity. Kids are crying. Grown-ups are screaming. I think it just got a love letter from a guy on death row in North Dakota. What have I done?
—Signed, Broke Boned
Dear Bony Island,
What have you done? You’ve beaten Home Depot, that’s what. Anybody can buy a giant skeleton. It takes real vision to bring home a towering orthopedic hate crime that smells like tire fire and may be evolving in real time. Frankly, your Temu mutant has given the neighborhood something those overpriced decorations never could: genuine fear. And for God’s sake, don’t try to return it. It knows your address.
—Dotti
Toodaloo, Temu and the rest of you…
