My dear haunted and hounded, write me if you need a good slap in the face.
editor@weeklyworldnews.com
TRUNK WARS?
Dear Dotti,
Our PTA fundraiser is TRUNK OR TREAT. Parents park their cars, throw up a few orange streamers and pass out candy from their trunk. Simple, right? Well, it’s getting out of hand! My kid’s friend’s mom has applied for a lighting permit. Our neighbor’s gonna launch a burning drone show over his car. Turns out our principal can do it all including waking the dead ‘cause we’ve been notified that “special guests” from the cemetery will be in attendance! How do I stop this arms race before someone gets hurt? Or possessed?!
— Signed, Venmo-Mom
Dear Yucking the Yum,
This arms race is just Halloween finally achieving its natural place at the center of the American psyche. I say welcome everyone to your fundraiser and that includes zombies, cryptids and everyone’s favorite, good ol’ Bluey. Kids need nightmare fuel just like the rest of us, mmmkay? Just make sure the PTA charges the dead full price.
— Dotti
MANIGATOR FANS?
Dear Dotti,
I am SO PISSED OFF, man! My bros and me spent serious time finding identical suits and practicing to be “Yung Lean’s MTV Performance” for Halloween. We had the moves! We had the ties! Everything! We were SURE we were gonna win the costume contest grand prize – a thousand BUCKS! And then some guy with weird contact lenses and HALF an alligator costume walks away with the money! Look, it was a good costume, but c’mon! We shoulda won!
— STORM FOR THE WIN!
Dear Swedish-Aspiring,
You got Manigator-ed. Bad news, half-man, half-alligator has wandered out of the swamps of Florida for excitement and found your Oktoberfest. But, there could be a loophole. Check the fine print on that costume contest. Can REAL monsters win or only mortals DRESSED up as monsters? If it’s the latter, you could take the prize right out of his hands – or scales – depending on where he keeps his money. If you see him, tell him Dotti says hi. Don’t get too close, though. His tail can knock down an entire bro-team of modern dancers in one blow. And hey, great effort. That performance had me saying I Want My MTV! and I’m a thousand years old.
— Dotti
Toodaloo till the next week haunts us all….
