LOS ANGELES, CA – At a press conference Tuesday, Oscar De La Hoya announced he will be retiring from boxing. In a prepared statement, “Golden Boy” De La Hoya said he wished to retire while he still had his good looks.
In a fight last month with Manny Pacquiao, De La Hoya came within inches of getting a broken nose. “That was just too close. He almost got the moneymaker,” said De La Hoya, who was visibly shaken. “That was when I knew it was time to quit.”
De La Hoya began boxing at the age of 5, balancing this with a career as a child model. Following in the path of his grandfather and father he started his boxing career with money earned as a part time underwear model. He won an Olympic gold medal at the 1992 Barcelona Games, launching a pro career that brought him worldwide fame and riches.
He went on to say he would spend his time focusing on other projects, like his new video game “Oscar De La Hoya Super Punch Out!” In the game all the characters are De La Hoya at various stages of his career. Bonus rounds will allow players to punch away wrinkles or apply moisturizer for extra points.
De La Hoya said he is “looking forward to spending more time at home”, which includes his famous art wing. Hanging in the wing are over 40 portraits of De La Hoya, each 10 feet tall and fully nude. In addition to the portraits are dozens of famous works of art remade with him as the titular character. Currently he is having a full size replica of Michelangelo’s David made in his likeness.
In addition to its own art wing his home also has its own sperm bank, filled exclusively with his genetic material. “In case anything happens to the human race I want us to be able to start over again, putting the best possible foot forward.”