PARIS – For the second time, People Magazine awarded Johnny Depp with the coveted title. Weekly World News followed Mr. Depp for a day in the life of the world’s sexiest man.
On a typical day Johnny Depp wakes up nude in his four poster to the sound of Spanish Bolero music. Before anything else he rubs his body with essential oils and goes to his veranda where he does yoga while watching the sun rise on his French vineyard. Then he puts on pants.
Depp’s vineyard receives special attention from the star. To water his plants Depp pours Evian water down his chest and lets it drip onto the soil. While some people talk to their plants to help them grow, Johnny Depp walks through his vineyard whispering 18th century Italian love poetry to each vine. Twice a year these grapes are crushed for wine by Depp playing with local orphan children. Each bottle of wine is flavored with one of Johnny Depp’s tears, collected while he reads the orphans “Charlotte’s Web”.
Johnny Depp owns over 100 different poets shirts, for various occasions. A team of Italian seamstresses are employed full time to construct and maintain leather pants for the star.
Johnny Depp only eats brunch. Depp hasn’t eaten breakfast or lunch since 1988.
After brunch Depp will walk down the dirt road to the closest village to purchase groceries. Johnny Depp buys all of his food from local farmers that he knows. He had to stop shopping in grocery stores in the mid 90’s. While inspecting vegetables for their ripeness, smelling and squeezing them gently, he caused half the store’s employees, men and women, to faint dead away. “Sometimes I still go in and pose with the vegetables, just to see people’s reactions,” said Depp.
Local bylaws of the village near Depp’s home have been changed so that Johnny Depp is never required to wear a shirt, ever. No matter which building or what the occasion is, Johnny Depp never has to wear a shirt if he doesn’t wish to. Similar legislation is being put through that will cover the entire country of France.
Every evening at sunset, Johnny Depp practices Spanish guitar while smoking and drinking red wine. “It really is the little things in life,” said Depp. One of the Weekly World News junior reporters then tried to touch Mr. Depp, and they were all quickly taken away by security.
The Weekly World News would like to formally apologize to Johnny Depp for violating his personal space. It will never happen again.