NEW YORK, NY – News has broken that Alex Rodriguez has a portrait of himself as a centaur above his bed. After being ridiculed over this in the media, Rodriguez wants to set the record straight.
“It’s about my persecution, my pain.” said Rodriguez to Weekly World News. “You see here the centaur is misunderstood. He exists in a world of strength and grace beyond regular men, and they fear him for it. So he is hunted.”
Rodriguez pointed to a picture where he is a half human half horse, next to a beautiful woman holding a large axe. “Her there, she represents the media. Ready to cut him to pieces to satisfy the masses. I wanted her to look like Connie Chung but my lawyer said no.”
Like the parable of his portrait Rodriguez has been ridiculed in the media for the past week over the piece. Numerous sources are inferring that A-Rod is incredibly vain. “It’s just like the picture!” cried Rodriguez. He was so emotionally shaken he almost dropped the porcelain cup he was serving reporters tea with.
“Everyone wants to be David who took down Goliath. I have a sensitive side! Look, my collection of leather bound Jane Austen novels! I’m not just a athlete brute obsessed with his own power, I have feelings! See?” At this he pointed out a second portrait of himself as a centaur. This time he was happily frolicking through the English countryside hand in hand with a centaur version of Emily Dickenson. “Oh Emily, you understand my pain like no other.”
Criticism over the paintings is due mostly to the World Series, which is still under way. Once the championship is over the fury is expected to die down. “Until then,” A-Rod concluded, “I shall hide my tears like a warrior.”