Clairvoyant Swine Predicts Stocks Over the years many animals have tried their hand at the stock market. Chimps and other apes seem to be the best at it, though octopi and the occasional parrot has also proven to be talented prognosticators. But until now, there has never been a genius stock-picking pig. Meet Combo. Combo, a … READ MORE
TRANCED-OUT PILOT Doesn’t Remember a Thing! When Pine Airlines Flight 389 got into trouble just before it was scheduled to begin its initial descent into Detroit, the flight attendants felt sure that the pilot would handle things. Then they discovered that the pilot—along with the co-pilot—were intoxicated due to what they described as “laced aspirin.” … READ MORE
“Enough, Already,” Says Human History By any standard, this has been a busy year: pandemic, election,natural disasters, and more. But that’s about to end. “Starting next month,” says Leanne Artrusco, a scientist at the U.S.Department of Records, “there will be no more news.” HOW??? Whenever Artrusco makes this announcement, as she did during a virtualconference … READ MORE
Kremlin Releases Pop Album! In an increasingly complicated world, one thing is still true: music lifts the soul. That is why the Russian government has decided to release its first-ever music album. The album, whose title translates as “Every Note Is True,” consists of Russian government ministers singing classic rock and pop songs. Grigory Satyrenko, … READ MORE
Science from the Sea! For months, scientists have been scrambling to develop a vaccine for the novel coronavirus that has raged across the country and the planet. “We’ve been scrambling to develop a vaccine for the novel coronavirus,” said Dr. Joy Martin, a senior fellow at the National Institute for Virological Research, “that has raged … READ MORE
Scientists Warn “The Invasion Already Happened!” In movies, aliens are usually depicted as humanoid creatures with smooth features and large eyes. But Howard T. Houseplant, an astronomer and parapsychologist with the Department Of Distant Phenomena, says that the truth is far more interesting. “Aliens are everywhere,” he said. “I run a lab where we sample … READ MORE
He only kills other ghosts! The world had endured some pretty grim stories that arise from the evil that men do. Serial killers have acted as judge, jury, and executioner, taking the lives of others into their own hands. But what happens when a serial killer takes the afterlives of others into his own hands? … READ MORE
Has Ph.D. Ape Met His Match! Introducing Professor Kong! But Is He Real? Ph.D. Ape, the super-intelligent primate and current campaign manager for Bat Boy’s presidential bid, was used to being the smartest guy in the room. And then one day he found himself in a room with someone smarter. “I was at work, at … READ MORE
A SLICE OF LIFE August 11 was just like any other day. Nicholas Ricci drove his Volkswagen into the parking lot of Round House, the pizza restaurant he has owned since 1994. “It’s not upscale,” he says, “but it’s not just a joint. We have sit-down service and even a little wine.” That day, a … READ MORE
THE OTHER PANDEMIC Do you think Kermit is a real frog? Do you think Lamb Chop is a real lamb? Do you think Yoda is a real…whatever? A new disease sweeping the country is rendering otherwise ordinary Americans unable to distinguish between people and puppets. Bill Howard, 54, of Showalter Acres, was among the first afflicted. “The … READ MORE