NASCAR DRACULA!
Vampire on Wheels Wows Crowds! Ever since he was young, Count Alexandru Craioveanu had a thing for American culture. “Call me Alex,” he says. “That’s a start. I can’t get … READ MORE
Boyce Day
REDDIT USERS NOW TURN THEIR POWER TO FOOD
Market Madness CONTINUES AT CONVENIENCE STORES! Over this past week, online communities have demonstrated that they can disrupt the stock market, making certain stock prices soar way above their presumed … READ MORE
LOCH NESS MONSTER DISCOVERED — IN CONGRESS!
Elected by a landslide But now the Loch Ness monster has been discovered in a different place entirely—the US Congress. Scientists have revealed that Eric Golladay (R-ID), a first-term Congressman who was elected … READ MORE
2020 IS GOING TO REPEAT!
A psychic has the bad news! Every year, Henrietta Halvorson spends December thinking about January. It’s her job—Halvorson, better known as “Ri The Magnificent,” is a popular newspaper psychic whose … READ MORE
SANTA HAS COVID!
Will not affect present delivery! As COVID-19 numbers climb through the winter wave—second or third depending on who you ask—countries across the world are moving back toward lockdowns and closures. … READ MORE
CAPITALIST PIG!
Clairvoyant Swine Predicts Stocks Over the years many animals have tried their hand at the stock market. Chimps and other apes seem to be the best at it, though octopi … READ MORE
HYPNOTIZED WOMAN LANDS PLANE – SAVES HUNDREDS
TRANCED-OUT PILOT Doesn’t Remember a Thing! When Pine Airlines Flight 389 got into trouble just before it was scheduled to begin its initial descent into Detroit, the flight attendants felt … READ MORE
NEWS SCHEDULED TO END
“Enough, Already,” Says Human History By any standard, this has been a busy year: pandemic, election,natural disasters, and more. But that’s about to end. “Starting next month,” says Leanne Artrusco, … READ MORE
PUTIN SINGS!
Kremlin Releases Pop Album! In an increasingly complicated world, one thing is still true: music lifts the soul. That is why the Russian government has decided to release its first-ever … READ MORE
DOLPHIN INVENTS CORONAVIRUS VACCINE!
Science from the Sea! For months, scientists have been scrambling to develop a vaccine for the novel coronavirus that has raged across the country and the planet. “We’ve been scrambling … READ MORE