ASTEROID MISSES EARTH

alien_dui

SYDNEY – A 200-foot wide asteroid whizzed by Earth yesterday, narrowly missing us by 40,000 miles. But now a pair of aliens are coming forward to take the blame!

Australian astronomers discovered the object, called 2009 DD45, just a few days before it arrived. While it was only 200-feet wide, the impact would have been enough to wipe out a major city.

But the astronomers appear to have been duped, as two aliens released an apology to the citizens of Earth this morning. According to the message broadcast across all major satellite channels, the aliens’ craft was actually the object that almost crashed into our planet, due to unfortunate circumstances

The video shows the two aliens, Zagar and Molok, sitting at a desk with heads bowed, reading reluctantly from a piece of paper. Zagar explains, “We were out partying in the Kuiper Belt when Molok asked if we could do a tour of your solar system. I knew he had been heavily drinking, but he’d just lost his job as a methane collector on Uranus-” Zagar stops to giggle with his buddy, “and I thought it might help cheer him up.”

“After nearly hitting your planet, we were stopped near Jupiter and taken into custody for Flying Under the Influence. This message is part of our punishment. So I apologize for nearly hitting your planet and causing a catastrophic explosion of atomic proportions. My bad.”

Silence follows. Zagar elbows his companion and prompts him, “…You’re sorry too, right, Molok?” Lost in the haze of a hangover, Molok rests his head on the desk and moans in pain.

The United Nations has asked the Galactic Police Force to propose more severe punishments for FUIs, lest Earth be destroyed by a couple of off-planet teenagers. The GPF have yet to respond, further supporting accusations that Earth is not a priority.

10 thoughts on “ASTEROID MISSES EARTH”

  1. such a lie… at 1st I was like "what?! an astroid almost hit us?! I didnt hear that on tv at all!!"
    So dont freak people out please!!

  2. An asteroid did almost hit us actually. And it was on the news. The whole alien thing however, obviously isn't true. But asteroid 2009 DD45 came severely close to smashing into us. It wasn't big enough to cause mass extinction but it would've wiped a large city in seconds and cause an explosion 1000 times a nuclear bomb. Just look it up. Whats scary is they supposedly only first saw it 3 days before it hit us. Either our satelllites and telescopes really suck or they didnt wanna freak people out.

  3. Lighten up people….this is just good bathroom reading!! That's why I'm sorry they took it off the store shelves. We used to get it every week and people came over probably just to use the bathroom here to read this mag. Now if we want it to be good bathroom reading guess we'll have to take the laptop or iPhone in there LOL…We need playful takes…remember all things begin with imagination and I love the writers' imaginations at this mag. Read on and enjoy 🙂

    • i agree… never let the truth get in the of a good story..

      If that did appear on Sat TV then would love to see it…

      either way great story

  4. Are you people really this dumb? y would you waste time reading this magazine anyway?? don't u have children, parents, lifes live? find important things in life, stop searching for sensational bullshit…

  5. hey dnt scream out krsanal or watever this thing about asteriods is true.. really suks our satelllites.. i feel nasa is vulnerable even though if our planet is menaced…

    to sum up.. live ur life to the fullest we may neva knw wat may happen the day after tomorrow lol..

    and also. watch out the 2012 asteroids coming lol… everyone says thats bullshit..

    wat if this time? no bullshit and only deaths and silence all over the earth? oops am sory the earth itself wont exist…..

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