RED PLANET –  Good news for the unemployed.  There are no jobs on earth anymore, but they’re hiring on Mars!
Weekly World News recently spoke (via saliva microbial voice translation) to Jeddak Sojak from the Kaor Colony about the job situation on Mars. Sojak told WWN that “there is a great need for overqualified employees on Mars. We are expanding rapidly, so there is guaranteed work for at least the next five hundred years.”
Dr. Robert Rinderman, a former neurosurgeon at The Mayo Clinic in Minneapolis, lost his job when the new healthcare bill was passed into law. “The hospital apparently didn’t want us trying to heal sick brains anymore – too costly. And it I was told that my salary was too much for their bottom line, so they canned me.”
The 35-year-old Dr. Rinderman was out of work since March 23 and couldn’t find a job anywhere.  “They keep telling me that I’m overqualified, but I’ll inject botox, I’ll change bedpans.  I’ll even clean dishes.  They call me Mr. Sparkle at home.” He tried everything: Monster.com, careerbuilders.com, match.com… he even went door to door and offered to operate on brains at a big discount.  There were no takers. “The economy is just so bad out there. Nobody has any money. Not even for a basic craniotomy.”
Lucky for Rinderman though, he decided to take a hike in the Western New Jersey Desert (it’s small, but has some wonderful sticky sand). He sat down on a petrified rock and… cried from deep in the center of his amygdala over losing his brain job.
His tears fell on the rock (which was placed there by Martians in 579 B.C.) and the tear-vibrations were picked up by Sojak.  “We’ve had a lot of Earth beings crying on our rocks lately. We want to help them out, give back a little. Humans beings have been our experimental mice forever.”  Sojak had Rinderman abducted and brought in for a job interview. And guess what?… He got the job!
Rinderman works all day in an aluminum room keeping track of Martian movements in the U.S.  Rinderman’s territory is Washington D.C. He is charged with tracking the whereabouts of over 3,200 D.C. Martians.  “Most of them are on Capitol Hill,” Rinderman said.
Sojak wants all WWN readers and all unemployed citizens of Earth to know that there are plenty of jobs on Mars.  “Screw Earth. That planet is SO last millennium.  Come to Mars!”
If you are interested in working on Mars, go into the woods, find an old rock, sit down and start crying. The Martians will find you.
OR you can just go to Washington D.C. and ask the nearest Senator or Congressman. They’ll know how to get to Mars.
Good luck!

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17 thoughts on “FIND A JOB, ON MARS!”

  1. A lot of great opportunities on Mars. My cousin's sister's brother got a job there at the new candy bar factory, he's in charge of adding almonds to the nougat.

  2. I don't have many friends but one of the last ones I had signed up for some Martian job interview. I think it's better to hang around earth doing nothing but he just had to go, you know, and be ambitious. Now he's got some alien Martian wife, 174 freaky insect kids and a ton of debt. He's kind of worried because when humans get burned out, they recharge them some kind of way. Job on Mars, not for this slacker!

  3. i have vampire teens and they have babys they have no jobs can you help them get jobs on mars and please give them a ride to work every day we are poor and we are running out of blood in our blood bank .and if they go to work on mars i may get more sleep thank you.

    • Maybe obama can put together an unemplyment plan for vampires? Maybe even blood stamps in place of food stamps–would only be fair?
      Have you looked on careerbuilder.com for vampire jobs?

  4. I have a job on Mars which consists of touching human genitals. I would have thought that after quitting at the strip club to aspire to be an architect that I would at least end up with a fast food job and not end up as a prostitute on mars…
    Oh well, at least I get paid six dabloons an hour. 🙂


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