The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!
From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…..
Q. I got a chick driving into the city to go out on a second date. She’ll be pissed that she made the trip if I don’t try to close the deal, right? – Eddie Haskell, NY, NY
Yeah, really pissed. You’re a stud – I mean, she’s driving in to see you! She’s probably going to touch herself the whole drive in, listening to ‘Unchained Melody’ on repeat, and swerving all over the road from pleasure. As a matter of fact, you should tell her to take the train because you’re such an unbelievable super stud that no woman should be able to contain herself while driving. There should be a sign on your chest that reads, ‘while thinking about me, don’t operate heavy machinery because you’ll probably die from sheer ecstasy.’ By the way, this is sarcasm.
I don’t see you closing too many deals. Getting a chick to sleep with you after a second date takes a combination of two things: alcohol and comfort (those two are intertwined). You’re already making me uncomfortable in the way you compared touching a women’s vagina to ‘closing a deal,’ like you’re Penis is a used Saab (‘What’s it going to take to get me inside you today?…I’m going to need to talk to my manager on this one.’). And, no, I don’t think she will be comfortable when you ask her to come back to your place after a few sips of red wine.
And you know what? Your general demeanor isn’t even the biggest issue. The issue here is the car. The car is her overweight friend on her period that didn’t eat dinner – the ultimate excuse to not have sex. She came with a getaway vehicle and a reason to stay sober – not to mention it will cost her a paycheck if she wants to park in the city over night. Try getting a girl wet when she wonders if she left her lights on.
Go to her. Drive or take the train; if she tries to drive with you on her mind, she’ll probably crash and die.
Q. I went on a first date with a guy and we had a great time. I had a great enough time to have him sleep at my place. As he is leaving the next morning he starts to talk about how he just moved to the city and isn’t looking for something serious. Should I keep going out with this guy? – Selma Bouvier, Springfield, MA
I respect this guy. He took you out, enjoyed himself, and then told you straight up that his intention is to not have a relationship. You know where he stands and if you stand in the same “I’m just looking to have some sex” spot then keep going. Have some fun.
Here’s what you shouldn’t do, convince yourself that once all the dust settles from this guy’s “big move” then he’ll be ready to settle down himself, because that’s not what’s going to happen. He was as honest as he could be in that moment. What sounded like “I just moved here and I’m not ready for a relationship right now” really meant: “I just moved here and on my first date in the city I got some action – I ain’t stopping now. We had fun but I can’t let this streak end, I mean if I can pull this in one weekday night then what could a weekend bring?!?!?! And seriously, there is zero chance you will ever be my girlfriend, though I will continue to call you as backup at 4AM whenever I can’t find somebody new to sleep with.” Like a true poet, he said so much while saying so little.
Q. Last week, the guy I’m currently sleeping with stayed at my place and I gave him a pair of shorts from an old boyfriend. He said no then slept in his jeans. What’s the big deal?” – Grace Adler, NY, NY
You were both wrong. He was wrong for sleeping in his jeans (Really? Does he know what it’s like to be comfortable? Was he the nine year-old who wore jeans to soccer practice? Does he know how sore your Man-Piece can get when your Bone-Dog is rubbing against a Zipper-Fly all night?). And you were wrong because I’ve mentioned in past columns that going out and taking home a girl is like a hunt. Well, the shorts of another Dude on our bodies don’t make us feel like we just bagged a rare wild boar. Instead, we just killed a deer that’s been gimping around the woods for a few months with a broken leg and Daddy issues.
I have an idea; let’s hook up and I’ll give you a shirt that says, ‘I just got boned by the J-Train’. That should make you feel pretty good about what just happened.