WASHINGTON, DC – Handymen accidentally cracked open the man-sized safe of exiting Vice President Dick Cheney while transferring his effects.
Statements taken from several of the workers before they were processed and detained by homeland security officials indicate the safe was loaded with more than 100 video cassettes of “chick flicks” and romantic comedies, such as “Steel Magnolias,” “Sleepless In Seattle,” “The Notebook,” “Legally Blonde,” “While You Were Sleeping,” and “Stanley and Iris”.
Additionally, workers came across dozens of audio mix tapes featuring tracks by Air Supply, Josh Groban, and Norah Jones. “I expected to find lots of papers and secret documents about torture, Iraq, Halliburton… stuff like that,” said Ignacio Cordoba of D.C. based moving company Smooth Movers. “Instead, it was just a bunch of Sandra Bullock and Dermot Mulrooney crap fests and mix tapes.”
Witnesses noted the 90-minute chrome cassettes had names such as ‘Dick’s Slow Jamz’ which featured “Here And Now,” by Luther Vandross and ‘Dick’s Heart Attack Of Love,’” which closed with Eric Carmen’s “Hungry Eyes” from the “Dirty Dancing” soundtrack.
Other handlers of the safe noted a manilla envelope that read “Reagan DNA” and a shoe box labeled “Back-Up Heart.” When Cheney noticed what the witnesses had seen, he quickly attempted a diversion by purposely pulling a muscle in his back. He will now be forced to attend President Elect Barack Obama’s inauguration ceremony in a wheelchair.
When contacted, a spokesperson for Cheney said that the workers were mistaken and probably meant Dylan McDermot, but then quickly cut himself short and said “no comment.” Cheney’s office then requested the email addresses and social security numbers of the surrounding press pool in order to “contact them later with any updates”.