NEW YORK, NY – Earlier this week Glenn Beck offended a Polish American group by “butchering” the pronunciation of Rep. Jan Schakowsky’s name. When asked for a correction or apology, Beck replied “Not my fault she has a goofy name. What are you going to do about it, Polish people?” The Polish have responded, and they have declared war on Beck.
News of the insult to Polish by Beck quickly spread across the blogosphere and from grandmother to grandmother. Eventually word got to Polish President Lech Kaczyński, who immediately phoned Beck to demand an apology. Beck remained steadfast in his “America First” policy, maintaining that if the Representative didn’t want to be made fun of she should get a “Real American” name that didn’t sound so goofy. President Kaczyński was outraged and began swearing in Polish, to which Beck responded, “How can that even be a real language, it just sounds like gibberish!” The two went back and forth for some time, with Beck finding great humor in President Kaczyński’s accent.
Now the country of Poland has declared war on Glenn Beck. President Kaczyński and Prime Minister Donald Tusk went before Parliament in a special assembly, to make an official declaration of war against the Fox News Anchor. Kaczyński made an impassioned speech calling on all Polish to unite against their common enemy, saying it was their patriotic duty to seek revenge on Glenn Beck, “until he is tied up in the center of Warsaw, to be pelted with pierogies by every man, woman and child. Only then will our honor be satisfied.”
According to international law Polish troops cannot invade American soil to acquire Beck. They must wait for him to either be in Poland or international waters before they can make a move. It is unlikely that either of these things will happen as Glenn Beck has never left the country, and refuses to get a passport.
Beck has made no official response yet. Representatives of Fox News have said, “If he’s upsetting socialist countries like Poland, then he must be doing something right!” On his way back from Oslo, American President Obama is expected to speak with Poland to try and ease the tensions.