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LONDON – After almost 30 years of terror, the carcass of the British Beast of Exmoor has washed ashore, with evidence the government can’t deny!

Since the 1970s small farmers and ranchers throughout the English countryside have lost hundreds of livestock in violent, gory murders.  The Beast of Exmoor was long suspected to be a mutant panther or other large cat that may have escaped from a zoo or circus.

Conspiracy theorists suspected the government had been conducting growth hormone experiments on house-cats resulting in the monstrous Beast.

But the Queen’s Guard Infantry hat found with the mostly rotted corpse that washed up on shore this week provided the intricate details about the origin of the Beast.

“It is now clear that the government engineered this creature, maybe many of them, to engage in a campaign of terror and destruction throughout the countryside,” international reporter Christiane Amanpour asserts.

“The British Government tried to create so much fear in the working class population that they had to consult local Lords for protection and support.”

When the global economy fluctuated drastically in the 1970s and 80s as the Cold War was ending, the British plotted a return to a system of fiefdom under local control of Lords. In theory, this would have stabilized the British economy by establishing smaller nation-states within Britain that depend on one another for goods and services rather than the Central Government.

“These people may be working class, but they should not be made serfs and peasants just because the House of Lords can mutate a kitten into a killing machine.”