Drowning in books? Don’t know where to start? Here’s three easy ways to get a graduate degree!
#1. The Dreamer
To: Professor Thaddeus Jones
From: Earl Hewitt, applicant for Masters degree in History
I remember you telling me something very interesting once. Well actually, you told it to another student whom I was standing behind in line, but that’s not important. You said: “A good historian must be true, not only to the facts, but to himself as well.” I have kept that saying very present in my mind throughout my education, and am most pleased to now have the chance to live up to it.
You see, Professor, I have had an historical epiphany. (I coined that term myself. Pretty good, huh?) As I slept, I was visited by a spirit who came in the guise of Rudolph Valentino and told me about many historical untruths that he said must be brought to light, and many important facts long forgotten. Some are quite striking, and I think they would make for a great Masters thesis.
Apparently, Joan of Arc was not burned at the stake. She threw a fit when her British captors burned her steak, and was stabbed to death by a temperamental chef. Also, Shakespeare wasn’t gay, but he did smoke marijuana. Like a chimney in Jamaica, according to his drug-dealer, Sir Francis Bacon. Yes, Sir Francis Bacon! How do you think he came up from poverty into the world of noblemen? The guy had connections. And Genghis Kahn wore women’s underwear. Otto von Bismarck used to play strip poker to unwind. Vodka was first brewed by nuns in Helsinki. Michelangelo painted the Sistine chapel ceiling with a brush attached to a really long pole. Dante really did go through heaven and hell. He was a reincarnated ditch-digger with a big mouth.
The Bugs Bunny cartoon describing Christopher Columbus’ conversation with the King of Italy is a word-for-word account. Chaucer was under three feet tall. The crusades were the result of a drunken double-dare. The Roman Empire never existed: it was all a hoax put out by the Vatican to protect itself from invaders. Julius Caesar was the first and greatest corporate composite character. Alexander the Great was afraid of spiders. They say he saw a big one and that’s what made him turn back. Bach was actually 27 different guys, plus their wives. Oh, and Atlantis was actually a really nice casino. Aristotle got a little carried away.
Anyway, I think that all this material could make for an excellent paper. Let me know what you think.
#2. The Schemer
To: Professor Benjamin Borovoy
From: Jacob Winthrop, applicant for Masters degree in Law
While reviewing your notes for topic selection, I came across an interesting little suggestion. It said we should be as creative as possible regarding our choice, given the fact that creativity is an important asset for a lawyer. Well, as you know, I rely on my creativity very often, especially for tests. This being a given, I am torn between two of the best ideas I have had for my Masters thesis.
Number one is that I commit a crime and then defend myself in court. If I win the case, I get honours. If I lose, a pass for effort. Seems like I can’t lose, except for the jail time. What do you think?
While you’re thinking about that one, hear me out on this: how about I sue you for something? I’m sure I can cook up something that you’ve done. I just have to think about it. Did you ever say something offensive about a race I could pass for? How about bad advice? Did you ever give really bad advice that I can pretend I followed?
Oh, I’ve got it! Remember that time you were absent for a week, and I found out it was because you went to Barbados with your assistant? I can pretend I had a serious problem of some kind that week, and that as a result of not being in consultation with you, my mentor, I have suffered, oh I don’t know, let’s say…$500 000 in mental damages. What the hell, make it a million. Pretty good idea, huh?
Anyway, let me know. I’m copying an essay I got from an alumnus. Giving the same subject for a term paper twice! Really, Professor.
#3. The Insider
To: Professor Thomas Madison
From: Brad Madison, applicant for Masters degree in Ethics
I know I’m supposed to think of a subject for Monday, but Danny’s parents are away for the weekend, and you know he has that great house up in the country. Anyway, I’m not going to have time to work on school, so I was thinking that maybe you could tell Dean Swanson that I gave the subject in on time, just so I won’t get any hassles. It would really help me out. Oh, and Mr. Swanson called today. He wants to know if you can play golf on Tuesday. Anyway, later Dad.
P. S. Can I borrow the BMW for the weekend? I’ll take extra special care of it.