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PLASTIC BAGS ATTACK!


SANTA MONICA -  Angered by California lawmakers who attempted to ban them, millions of plastic bags attacked California this morning.

After much debate, California lawmakers rejected a bill that would have made the state the first in the US to ban all plastic shopping bags.  But plastic bags, under fire for years now, couldn’t take it anymore and have begun a massive invasion of California.

An anonymous representative for the Plastic Bag Army told WWN, “California is trying to keep us out of the state. They are discriminating against us because we are plastic.  But plastic is essential to life in California. Why they want to keep us out, we don’t know… but we are fighting back.”

Border Patrol Agents in San Diego County are overwhelmed.  “It’s an al- out invasion. We don’t have the manpower to fight them off!”  said Border Patrol Chief, John Comito.  “The skies darkened a bit this morning and we couldn’t determine what exactly it was, then we saw a swarm of plastic bags coming over the horizon.  Everyone ran for cover.”

The Plastic Bag Army is not only coming by air, but large numbers of plastic bags have been seen in cars, ATVs, on horseback and many have been seen wafting through the tunnels that have been used by illegal immigrants in recent years.  The illegal immigrants are also afraid of the bags.  “These are not Mexican plastic bags. They are American bags sent to harm and kill Mexicans,” said Fernando Valez.  “We will fight back against these bags.  We have machetes.”

After hearing about the threat of machetes, the Plastic Bag Army spokesman chuckled and said, “let them use their machetes or guns or knives… We will prevail. We can fly higher, move faster, and have the ability to suffocate a person in seconds. This is war.”

Missy Canon was drying her laundry outside her Valencia home, when a huge swarm of Ralph’s plastic bags came over the horizon.  Missy ran for her life, but the bags were too fast.  She was found with a Costco bag over her head.  “We sent officers over right away, but they were all taken out by the bags as well,” said Valencia Police Chief Roland Myers.  “We lost ten officers.”

California residents are perplexed by the violent behavior of the bags. “We don’t understand this.  We didn’t ban them!  They are welcome here.  We love plastic bags,” said a frightened Marcus Little of Oceanside.

“They lie.  They may have rejected the ban now, but they still want to keep us out. They are pushing paper and reusable bags,” said the PBA spokesman.  We won’t go down without a fight.”

So, have you switched to reusable shopping bags, yet?

Learn about the life of the beautiful plastic bag: