ZOMBIE BUNNIES: Authorities Urge Calm and Peeps Sacrifice
According to several eyewitness accounts, the bunnies were not only animated but exhibited coordinated pack behavior, strategic hopping, and an apparent thirst for blood—or at least warm bodies.
Easter Morning Turns into a Marshmallow Massacre
In what experts are calling the “sweetest nightmare imaginable,” Easter festivities took a sinister turn this Sunday when popular chocolate eggs mysteriously began hatching undead, flesh-hungry rabbits across the nation. What started as innocent basket hunts quickly devolved into a blood-soaked scramble for survival in backyards from Boise to Boca Raton.
Families Report Bunnies with “Too Many Teeth” and “Dead Eyes”
Parents first noticed something was off when their children began screaming during egg hunts—not from joy, but from fear. “I thought it was a prank,” said Sheila Morrows of Tulsa. “Then I saw a bunny gnawing through the trampoline netting. Its eyes were glowing. Like a marshmallow possessed.”
Scientists Blame a “Confectionary Mutation”—But Are Also Hiding in Bunkers
Researchers at the National Candy Safety Bureau (NCSB) have traced the outbreak to a “sugar-fermented parasitic organism” accidentally infused into the creamy centers of mass-produced chocolate eggs. “We were aiming for a fluffier filling,” said Dr. Toblerone Mills, lead investigator. “Instead, we broke the barrier between seasonal treats and the undead.”
Dr. Mills has since gone off-grid, leaving only a hastily scrawled note: “Burn the bunnies. And don’t eat the ears first.”
Authorities Recommend Peeps Sacrifice to Distract Zombie Rabbits
In a desperate attempt to restore order, Homeland Security has partnered with marshmallow manufacturers to offer emergency shipments of Peeps to vulnerable zones. “They’re attracted to artificial colors and unholy sugar levels,” said FEMA spokesperson Bunny Graves. “A well-timed Peep toss can buy you up to 40 seconds of escape.”
Civilians are advised to create Peeps effigies, set them ablaze, and run in the opposite direction while chanting, “Not the sweet eggs! Not today!”
Social Media in Chaos: #Zombunnies Trends as Influencers Disappear
Meanwhile, TikTok and Instagram are flooded with posts under the hashtag #Zombunnies, ranging from bunny bite tutorials to influencers going live—only to vanish mid-stream in a blur of fur and shrieking. One viral video shows a bunny dragging a FitTea ambassador through a decorative hedge while still holding her selfie stick.
Meta has not responded to repeated requests for comment, though Zuckerberg has reportedly renamed his Easter event “MetaMauled 2025.”
Experts Say Crisis May Pass by Arbor Day—or Get Worse by Halloween
While the CDC urges calm, others warn this is only the beginning. “Easter is just phase one,” said underground chocolatier Choco Steve. “Wait until the gummy bears learn how to bite back.”
Until further notice, residents are advised to:
- Avoid all egg-shaped products
- Check backyard bushes for growling
- Keep all jellybeans locked in airtight containers
Are the rabbits being affected by the same ZOMBIE virus that affected the ZOMBIE turkeys a few years back?
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