CAN HE SAVE AMERICA?
AMES, IA – Bat Boy was on the stump in Iowa the past few days. Today he drew a cheering crowd of over 10,000 to Iowa State University. As usual, he made his campaign speech with the assistance of his “bat interpreter”.
“He doesn’t speak but I can tell that he has the right moral character to lead this nation out of the darkness,” said William Tonklin of nearby Shipley, IA. “He’s not a typical politician. He speaks his mind. He doesn’t have to say much for us to get that he’ll turn this country around. We’ve had enough clowns in the White House, it’s time to get a bat in there!”
A GREAT DAY IN IOWA
Bat Boy spent a good part of the day with his handlers, making sure he didn’t bite anyone. He did have an enthusiastic private meeting with Political Science majors at Iowa State. They all felt Bat Boy had a great platform and loved his slogans, “never trust a human in government” and “we’re all a little bats.”
The crowd roared Bat Boy took the stage to Meatloaf’s “Bat out of Hell” which really got the crowd revved up. He then took the stage and danced to the Carly Simon song, De Bat (Fly in Me Face).
It’s been two months since Bat Boy announced his independent campaign for President of the United States. “Right Wing and Left Wing” the crowd shouted as Bat Boy jumped around the stage, screaming and screeching. He hung from a nearby lampost for a few minutes, then did a backflip back onto the stage. “The crowd ate it up,” said Jessica Cuicui of Iowa State. “No other politician could compete with that. He has more charisma in his ears than most politicians have in their whole bodies.
Bat Boy had a slide show that kept the audience glued to their seats. “He reminded us of all the struggles he’s had in his life and how the government has tried to stop him at every turn,” said Cuicui. “But he never gives up. He wants to represent those whose voices have not been heard – including his own. He really does want to make the country a better place for all humans, and all mutants. And aren’t we all mutants in one way or another?’
BAT BOY DRAWS WIDE SUPPORT FROM IOWANS
Bat Boy was joined on stage by the first female Governor of Iowa, Kim Reynolds. She reportedly told the crowd “Bat Boy is a beacon of hope and promise. He will lead us out of the caves of partisanship. He will lead us into the light of unity.” There was a little incident after she spoke, however. Bat Boy went to kiss her on the cheek to thank her, but he bit her on the neck instead. All is well, Governor Reynolds is recovering nicely in the hospital and has already had her rabies shots.
Bat Boy told the crowd that his Vice Presidential running mate, Bigfoot, wanted to be with them but he was working hard on the trail. Instead, Bigfoot was on the campaigning in Washington State, speaking to lumberjacks and hunters. Bat Boy did say that Bigfoot would be joining him on the stump in South Carolina next week. Most pundits and supporters feel that Bigfoot is a big asset to the Bat Boy campaign. “It’s a dream ticket,” said political guru Regina Garcia. “They appeal to people of all races and cultures. They appeal to anyone who breathes.”
The crowd chanted “Bat Boy 2020, Bat Boy 2020” as Bat Boy left the stage and then let out a cacophony of bat screeches. Weekly World News was lucky to be on stage during the rally. When Bat Boy left the arena, the applause was louder than any we’ve experienced at a campaign event.
After the rally, Bat Boy headed to Dyersville in Dubuque County to have a look at The Field of Dreams – a required stop for all politicians seeking elective office. Unfortunately, Bat Boy got lost in the cornstalks.
Weekly World News will update readers when we find Bat Boy again.