Hello, all you put-upons and sit-upons, time for another public correction.
editor@weeklyworldnews.com for your inquiries, if you dare.
MY FRIENDS HATE MY BOYFRIEND JUST BECAUSE HE’S DAMNED!
Dear Dotti,
My friends are being SO weird about my new guy. He’s really tall. His looks are fire and he has the deepest voice I’ve ever heard. Yes, he does have “some plans for world domination,” and sometimes he leaves our dates because he’s “being summoned,”
but I think it’s all part of him being quirky and interesting, not like all the boring guys my friends are into. But they say he smells like Sulphur and his skin is covered in scales, but that’s because he has bad allergies! He says a “prophecy must be fulfilled” so he wants to have a baby with me. He’s so romantic! Tell my friends they are all wrong so I can get them to get off my back.
– Signed, Baby-Mama Hopeful!
Dear Rosemary,
Girl. Slow your holy roll because you’re dating the devil. And I don’t mean in a fun way, I mean Beelzebub is your new beau. I’d plead for you to get away but at this point in world history, why not throw the anti-Christ onto this mess? Tell your friends they can either get behind him or get out of the way, because you have a new order to usher in. Just be sure this is the hot romance you really want because some decisions are eternal.
— Dotti
AI GIRLFRIEND FALLS FOR ROOMBA!
Dear Dotti,
I think my Roomba is having an affair with my AI girlfriend, SugarCircuit! I stayed in a hotel for ONE NIGHT AWAY, and when I got home, my laptop was on the floor and my Roomba scurried away when I turned the light on! I asked SugarCircuit what’s going on and she says they’re “just friends.”I tried talking to my Roomba but I’m getting the silent treatment. All I know is, there’s crumbs all over my house and SugarCircuit wants me to travel for a few weeks because she needs “space.” What gives?
– signed, Love Sucks!
Dear Sucks-To-Be-You,
You’re footing the power bill for these cyber-whores and there’s a mess on your floor? Grab a broom with your own two hands and sweep them both out the door. Then go find yourself a real-life girlfriend who’ll cheat on you. At least her gaslighting won’t drain a lake.
– Dotti
IMPROV RUINED MY BEST FRIEND!
Dear Dotti,
I encouraged my shy best friend to take improv classes and now she’s insufferable! Everything I tell her is followed by “Yes, and…” and that’s when she’s not telling me a story as a character from the 1800’s or asking me for “a location – anywhere at all!” I just want my wallflower back!
– signed, I Don’t Care What Level You’re In!
Dear Hater,
Yes, and? Honey, this IS your friend. That timid wallflower was merely a theater kid in witness protection. Forget getting your old friend back. From now on, every dinner needs a suggestion, every story has three imaginary accents, and every birthday ends with grown-ups pretending to be sentient spatulas. Congratulations. You wanted confidence and you got…improv.
–Dotti
