Let’s find out who’s causing trouble and who’s asking for it.
Write me at editor@worldweeklynews.com if you dare.
GOOD BIRD BREAKS BAD!
Dear Dotti,
We make our living taking our performing parrot, McMuffin, to parties and petting zoos. He does tricks and says over a hundred words, that is, until my neighbors rented their ADU to a wretched couple who scream at each other all day! Now, McMuffin screams it all back at us! We’ve done everything to correct him, but after he told a birthday boy that he was a dirty low-life, we haven’t booked another gig. How do we get our meal ticket back? – signed, Shut-Up McMuffin!
Dear Miffed McMuffin Managers,
Have you ever heard that animals choose their owners? Well, the trained monkey you’ve been parading around town has found his forever home with the gruesome twosome next door. He’s not screaming at you, he’s calling his flock! Drop him off with a little seed and some crackers. You can’t beat them, so let McMuffin join ‘em. — Dottie
TEEN DENIED INTERNET! LIVES TO ATTEND SLEEPOVER!
Dear Dotti,
I am fifteen years old, and my parents won’t let me on a computer unless it’s for homework, WHILE they watch over my shoulder. I’m writing this from a sleepover, my first, at fifteen! I’m a teenage boy who never gets in any trouble, why can’t my parents trust me? – signed, Stunted.
Dear Stunted,
Stunted you are. The minute you’re free, you’re going to over-heat in a flurry of salacious images, gambling, drugs, cults and more! You’re already so behind, you might as well go live in a cave. If you think this is true, I have a Nigerian Prince who needs your account number. Your parents can chill; all the horrors of the internet will be there for you the moment they’re not around. Start now, isn’t that what sleepovers are for? — Dotti.
PITY US! WE’RE POOR!
Dear Dotti,
We’re the poor people on the block. Our house sucks, our cars are craptastic, and the only reason the lights are still on is because we’re running a line into our neighbor’s garage. It’s shady, but how else do you survive in the hellscape of this economy? -signed, Couch in the Front yard.
Dear Neighbor,
So THAT’s what that cord is. Start eating your ice cream, my little impoverished entrepreneurs, because I’m pulling the plug on your major appliances. Here’s a hot tip, your OTHER neighbor is on his yearly trip to shoot capybara and club seals. If you’re going to take a little off the top, take it from him. –Dotti
Now, until next week, try to be good. And if you fail? Try to stay out of jail.
