Let’s see who’s the reason we can’t have nice things this week…
THE 90’s NEVER DIE, WHATEVER
Dear Dotti,
I’m sure reality split circa 1994 so I refuse to engage post Reality Bites. My friends thought this was fire until I made them stop saying fire and now, they say I’m mid. How do I find 90’s OG’s who ain’t wack sell-outs? I want a posse that’s all that and a bag of chips. – signed, Looking for a Pager not for drugs! Chillax!
Dear Pager Going Off!
Welcome to the quarter 2000’s. The OG’s you seek are busy getting divorced, getting colonoscopies and tearing their ACLs playing ultimate frisbee. Just as the 90’s kids searched for real hippies, only to find boomers, you will find that reality bit the youth of the 90’s into submission to the corporate overlords. We don’t choose the era we come of age, so get back to your friends in the now. You say cool beans and they say fire. Whatever.
— Dotti
MAN DECIDES TO BE A TRILLONAIRE!
Dear Dotti,
I want to be a trillionaire. Where do I start? – signed, Ready to Be Rich
Dear Ready,
This is America! Trillionaire success stories are about one man with a dream and all the people he can get to work for him for free, I mean – “sweat equity.” You don’t need talent; you just need talented people who think they can’t do it without you. Add a distant look in your eye and a black turtleneck for the chef’s kiss. If it goes south, Elizabeth Holmes is currently beta-tested prison, so she’ll have some tips.
—Dotti
BABYSITTER FORCES KIDS TO STAR IN TIKTOK VIDEOS!
Dear Dotti,
Our kids’ babysitter forces them to star her TikTok videos. My kids complain but she’s the only teen in town who can put up with our aggressive dog, Cujo. Do we keep pimping the kids for clicks or take the dog “to live on a farm”? – signed, We Need a Date.
Dear House of Chaos,
TikTok and kids go together like mental health and Guantanamo Bay. However, you’ve got a dog that bites and an aspiring influencer so this can all turn around in a single viral clip. Hide the kids, turn the dog loose and hit record. Cujo will end up on a farm, the babysitter will earn those TikTok greenbacks, and your kids won’t end up in a Hulu documentary called The Algorithm Ate My Childhood.
And you’ll get your date – in court.
— Dotti
If you’ve gotten yourself into a pickle, let’s see if you deserve 100% of the blame or merely all of it. Write to editor@worldweeklynews.com.
