Folks, I’m madder than a hornet stuffed in Santa’s pants, madder than a vegan at an all-you-can-eat rib joint, madder than Hillary Clinton finding out the election was fair! I’m so dang furious I could chew tinsel and spit out razor wire!
Christmas shopping used to be wholesome American fun – like a Norman Rockwell painting with a side of apple pie. Now? It’s a full-on gladiator death match in the aisles of Wally-World, complete with blood, sweat, and tears over a $9.99 air fryer!I dragged my aching bones into one of those mega-stores last week to buy a simple gift – a nice red-white-and-blue coffee mug that says “Don’t Tread on Me” – and what happens? I’m barely through the automatic doors when a 300-pound land whale in a “Naughty List” onesie barrels past me with a shopping cart the size of a Sherman tank! She clips my heel so hard I nearly do the splits like some commie ballerina! I yelp, she doesn’t even turn around – just keeps plowing forward like she’s late for the free samples at Costco!
SNOWFLAKES – EACH ANNOYING ONE DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER
Then there’s the tattooed snowflake brigade – purple hair, nose rings, pronouns in their Instagram bio – cutting in line like they invented rudeness. One of ’em, a scrawny punk with more piercings than a pirate’s target, shoves ahead of me at the checkout with a cart full of vegan eggnog and rainbow wrapping paper. I say, “Hey kid, the line starts back there!” He spins around, flips me the bird with both hands, and hisses “Okay boomer!” Boomer?! I’ll have you know I fought in wars this twerp couldn’t spell! I was ready to introduce his face to my size-12 boot, but the security guard – some soft millennial himself – threatened to call the cops on ME for “creating a disturbance”! A disturbance?! The only disturbance is these rude zombies turning Baby Jesus’s birthday into Thunderdome!
And the screaming kids! Sweet mother of Rudolph, the screaming kids! These little hellions are running wild like it’s Lord of the Flies in the toy section. One snot-nosed gremlin grabs a Nerf gun off the shelf and starts blasting foam darts at strangers! Pelts me right in the ear! His “mother” – if you can call her that – is too busy live-streaming her “holiday haul” to notice. I bark, “Lady, control your demon spawn!” She looks up from her phone long enough to sneer, “Mind your business, Karen!” KAREN?! I’m a 73-year-old decorated veteran, you entitled harpy! Back in my day we’d have taken that kid out behind the woodshed for an attitude adjustment!
CHEERLESS CASHIER
The checkout lines? Longer than the border on a Friday night! I’m stuck behind some coupon-clipping cheapskate arguing with the cashier over a 50-cent discount on canned yams. Fifty cents! Meanwhile, the cashier – a gum-snapping teenager who looks like she just rolled out of a dumpster – is moving slower than Joe Biden up a flight of stairs. I finally get to the front, and she has the nerve to wish me “Happy Holidays”! Happy Holidays?! Lady, it’s MERRY CHRISTMAS, or I’ll take my business to a store that still believes in America!
This is what happens when we let the woke mob ruin everything! No carols, no nativity scenes, just rude, pushy, godless heathens fighting over Chinese-made junk like it’s the last lifeboat on the Titanic!I’m telling you, America, next year I’m shopping with a helmet, shoulder pads, and a cattle prod! Either that or I’m ordering everything from a catalog like a real man and letting UPS fight the crowds!
I’m Ed Anger, madder than a Salvation Army bell-ringer who just got mugged by a gang of atheists, and if one more person cuts me off in the parking lot, I’m ramming their Prius with my pickup truck full of American pride!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, you filthy animals – and get the hell out of my way!
