I’M MADDER THAN A SQUIRREL IN A NUT-FREE ZONE ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYERS GETTING PAID LIKE THEY’RE PROS!

What in tarnation has happened to America? Back in my day, college sports were about amateur glory, school spirit. And maybe a free education if you didn’t flunk out. Now, thanks to this cockamamie House v. NCAA settlement that’s got schools shelling out billions, these overgrown kids are raking in cash hand over fist! A $2.8 billion payout approved in June 2025?

That’s enough money to buy every hot dog stand in the country and still have change for a yacht! And starting July 1, 2025, colleges can directly pay athletes up to $20.5 million a year in revenue sharing?

Folks, it’s gone way too far. This whole thing is turning our sacred gridirons into greedy corporate pigsties!

NEW HIRES TAKE THE FIELD?

Listen up, you liberal do-gooders and NIL cheerleaders: These football jocks already get full-ride scholarships worth more than most folks earn in a decade. Room, board, books, and a chance to bash heads for fun—ain’t that enough? But nooo, now they’ve got “Name, Image, and Likeness” deals turning ’em into walking billboards for sneakers and energy drinks. And with this new direct compensation from schools, it’s like the NCAA finally caved and said, “Heck, let’s just make ’em employees!”

Next thing you know, they’ll be unionizing, demanding overtime for practice. And they’ll sue for workers’ comp when they stub a toe on the goalpost. It’s ruining the purity of the game! College football used to be about underdogs, rivalries, and that one scrawny quarterback who becomes a legend. Now it’s all about who can score the fattest paycheck before they even graduate.

Don’t get me started on the hypocrisy! The same eggheads running these universities preach about “student-athletes” and academic integrity, but they’re the ones forking over millions from TV deals and ticket sales.

WHAT ABOUT THE LOYAL FANS PACKING THE STADIUMS?

Revenue sharing? More like revenue stealing from the real fans who pack the stadiums!

Us hardworking Joes shell out for season tickets, foam fingers, and overpriced beer, only to watch these prima donnas cash checks bigger than a linebacker’s ego. It’s a slap in the face to every kid who plays pee-wee ball for the love of it, not the loot. If these players want to get paid, let ’em go pro right out of high school. Just like in the good ol’ days. Skip the charade of pretending to study history while counting their endorsement dollars.

Heck, even the polls say most Americans are on board with this nonsense, with broad support for NIL and sharing the athletic dough.

Well, not this American! I’m pig-biting mad because it’s destroying the soul of college sports. Before long, we’ll have bidding wars for high school recruits, agents lurking in dorms, and games decided by who has the deepest pockets instead of the biggest heart. Mark my words: This is the end of amateur athletics as we know it. If we don’t slam the brakes on this gravy train, our grandkids will think “student-athlete” means “stipend-athlete.” Time to fight back, patriots—write your congressman, boycott the boosters, and remember: Real heroes play for pride, not paychecks!

TACKLIN’ TATTLE TALES?

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any loonier, now they’ve launched a “snitch” reporting line for NIL violations, turning college sports into a giant game of tattle-tale where everyone’s ratting out each other like kindergartners fighting over crayons!

What’s next, referees blowing whistles for “illegal endorsement” penalties mid-touchdown? And get this—politicians are introducing bills to ban private equity deals with athletic departments. As if we need Wall Street sharks swimming in the already murky waters of booster bucks.

It’s like trying to fix a leaky outhouse by inviting more skunks to the party! This whole mess has me laughing through my fury. But mark my words. If we let these cash-crazed clowns keep turning stadiums into stock exchanges, soon enough the only “bowl” games left will be the ones filled with overpaid prima donnas’ cereal!