MACRON GETS SHOVED BY HIS … WIFE?!

By me, Ed Anger, Who Ain’t Never Been Pushed Around by Nobody, Not Even My Ex-Wife (Well, Maybe Once)

I’m so mad I could punch a mime!

I just saw a clip of French President Emmanuel Macron—aka Monsieur Macaroon—getting SHOVED by his wife like a scrawny altar boy who forgot to do the dishes. That’s right, folks. The so-called leader of France was physically positioned in front of the camera. It was like a shopping cart blocking the cheese aisle. No hesitation. No shame. Just WHAM! — outta the way, little man.

And guess who did the shoving? His WIFE, Brigitte—who, by the way, used to be HIS TEACHER. Yep. The same lady who was grading his homework when he was still figuring out which end of the razor to use is now pushing him around like she’s running the French Marines.

And the media? OH, THEY LOVE IT. “It’s a beautiful love story,” they coo. “So French!” Yeah, well so is eating snails, losing wars, and running from fights. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think your spouse should be someone who once gave you detention and made you stay after class.

Let me tell you something: If I’d flirted with one of my teachers back in the day, I’d be missing a few teeth and writing this from juvie. But Macron? This slick little croissant seduces Madame Cougar and ends up running a nuclear country. Meanwhile, in America, you hold a door open and suddenly you’re accused of “violence via politeness” and sent to sensitivity jail!

THE FRENCH SHOVE

Now we’ve got actual footage—ACTUAL VIDEO—of Brigitte stepping in like a linebacker at a croissant buffet and physically adjusting the President of France. One second he’s waving to the crowd like he’s king of the crepes, and the next—BAM! Brigitte with the shove. Macron takes it like a wet sock and just keeps grinning like it’s a normal Tuesday.

And the press? THEY EAT IT UP. “Look how supportive she is!” they squeal. SUPPORTIVE?! Folks, if shoving your husband out of frame like a busted animatronic at Chuck E. Cheese is supportive, then my Aunt Linda was the Virgin Mary.

What’s next? She gonna body-slam him at the G7? Pile-drive him in front of the Mona Lisa? Maybe hit him with a ruler and send him to the principal’s office for improper posture?

I miss the days when First Ladies baked cookies, wore sensible shoes, and let the President pretend he was in charge. Now we got Brigitte the Bulldozer rearranging global leaders like she’s running homeroom in hell.

Macron, buddy, let me give you some free advice: If you’re getting tossed around at home like a French salad, maybe don’t try to boss the rest of us around on the world stage. We fought a revolution to get away from powdered-wig weirdos, and now we’ve got their reincarnation getting shoulder-checked by Madame Guillotine in heels.

I say we trade him for a baguette and a rusty Peugeot. At least the baguette won’t tell us how to live or marry someone who once wrote it up for chewing gum in class.