Well, slap my hide and call me a patriot, folks! The day I’ve been hollerin’ about for years has finally come, and I’m madder than a wet hen that it took this long! President Donald J. Trump—God bless that beautiful head of hair—has signed an executive order that’s gonna make America’s showers great again, and I’m so happy I could spit nails! On April 9, 2025, our fearless leader told those tree-hugging, water-hoarding bureaucrats in Washington to take their showerhead regulations and shove ‘em where the sun don’t shine. And good riddance, I say!
DRIP DRIP DRIP
For too long, those Obama-Biden clowns have been waging their sneaky little “war on showers,” turning a red-blooded American’s right to a decent rinse into a drip-drip-drip nightmare. You know what I’m talking about—those pathetic, low-flow showerheads they forced on us, the ones that couldn’t wash the dirt off a hog’s backside, let alone a hard-working man like me. I’d stand there for fifteen minutes, soap suds drying on my skin, waiting for a measly trickle to rinse me off. It was like trying to bathe in a mosquito’s spit! And don’t get me started on my hair—by the time I got it wet, I looked like a drowned rat instead of the rugged, All-American stud I am.
But Trump, that golden-haired genius, saw right through the nonsense. He signed that executive order faster than you can say “liberty,” repealing those 13,000-word regulations—13,000 words, folks!—that defined “showerhead” like it was some kinda rocket science. Who needs 13,000 words to tell you what a showerhead is? I’ll tell you what it is: it’s the thing that’s supposed to blast water on you, not whisper it like some limp-wristed poetry reading! The Oxford English Dictionary defines it in one sentence, but nooo, those pencil-necked geeks in the Energy Department had to write a novel about it. Twice, under Obama and Biden! What a bunch of hogwash!
FLOW FLOW FLOW!
Now, thanks to Trump, the Secretary of Energy’s been told to rip up that garbage and let the water flow—2.5 gallons per minute, just like the good Lord intended back in 1992 before the greenie-weenies got their claws on it. No more of this “multi-nozzle” nonsense where they capped the whole fixture at a measly 2.5 gallons, even if you had four spouts. Trump’s order says, “Let ‘er rip!” and I’m here for it. Thirty days from now, when that repeal hits the books, I’m gonna crank my shower up so high it’ll feel like Niagara Falls in my bathroom. My hair’s gonna shine like a bald eagle’s feathers, and I’ll be clean as a whistle in five minutes flat—no more standing there like a soggy fool!
And don’t give me that “save the planet” baloney those Appliance Standards hippies keep whining about. “Oh, it cuts utility bills! Oh, it saves water!” Boo-hoo! Last I checked, I pay for my own dang water, and if I wanna use it to blast the grime off my hardworking American body, that’s my God-given right! Showers are 20% of indoor water use, they say? Good! I’ll make it 50% if I feel like it! And energy? I’ll heat my water with good ol’ American coal if I have to—Trump’s bringing that back too, you watch!
