Well, folks, I’m madder than a hornet in a windstorm, and it’s all because of these blasted tariffs that President Trump just slapped on the world like a big ol’ “Made in America” sticker! I’m telling you, I’ve been steaming ever since I heard about this “Liberation Day” nonsense—10% on everything coming into the good ol’ U.S. of A., and even higher for the so-called “bad actors” like China and Europe. It’s about time we stopped letting these foreign freeloaders treat us like a doormat at a mud-wrestling convention!
Now, I ain’t no fancy-pants economist with a degree from some snooty college where they teach you how to sip lattes and hate America. I’m just a red-blooded patriot who knows a good deal when he sees one, and this tariff business is the best thing since sliced bread—or at least since we told King George to shove it back in 1776! Trump’s out there swinging for the fences, and I say it’s high time we took a stand against these countries that have been pillaging our wallets for decades. China? 20% extra! Europe? 20% too! Japan? 24%! Heck, even tiny little islands in the Antarctic are getting a taste of American justice. That’s what I call fair play!
STOP THE BLUBBERFLUB
But oh no, here come the crybabies! The stock market’s throwing a tantrum like a toddler who dropped his ice cream, and all these pointy-headed “experts” are whining about how it’s gonna raise prices and maybe even tip us into a recession. Boo-freaking-hoo! You know what’s a recession? When I can’t buy a decent American-made burger because all the beef’s coming from some foreign cow that doesn’t even speak English! These tariffs are gonna bring back jobs—real jobs, not those sissy tech gigs where you sit around tweeting about your feelings all day. Manufacturing’s coming home, folks, and I can’t wait to see “Made in the USA” stamped on everything from my toaster to my tighty-whities!
And don’t get me started on the rest of the world bellyaching about it. China’s Vice Premier is “solemnly concerned”? Well, I’m solemnly concerned about all the junk they’ve been dumping on us—cheap toys that break in five minutes and knockoff sneakers that fall apart faster than a politician’s promises! Europe’s whining about their precious coffee and lobsters? Let ‘em drink tea and eat fish sticks like the rest of us! Germany’s economy minister wants to cozy up with Canada and Mexico now? Fine by me—let ‘em form their little loser club while we’re over here winning!
TOUGHEN UP!
The way I see it, these tariffs are like a big ol’ baseball bat to the kneecaps of globalism. For too long, we’ve been letting these trade deals bleed us dry while fat cats in Washington sip champagne with foreign bigwigs. Trump’s finally saying, “Enough’s enough!” and I’m cheering so loud my dentures nearly flew out! Sure, the Wall Street weenies are panicking, and the S&P 500’s down a few points—big whoop! They’ll get over it when they see the cash rolling in from all these tariffs. And if prices go up a little? Toughen up, snowflakes! Buy American, and quit sniveling about your imported avocado toast!
So here’s my advice to all you naysayers out there clutching your pearls: quit your griping and start saluting the flag! These tariffs are America’s way of saying we’re done being the world’s piggy bank. It’s Liberation Day, alright—liberation from foreign freeloaders and the spineless liberals who love ‘em! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a “Made in America” apple pie to eat, and I ain’t sharing it with nobody—especially not some tariff-dodging foreigner!
Ed Anger Is a MORON!!!!!