“Everyone has a little. The question is…how much?”
In my Wurlitzer Prize-winning article “How to Tell if You’re a Clone” I introduced readers to 23&Me&Me&Me, a company using DNA to determine if you’re a clone.
Well, the geniuses behind that company are at it again with ‘SquatchWatch, an amazing new product that identifies exact amounts of Bigfoot DNA using the tiniest of samples—a micrometer of hair or the slightest residue of saliva, for example.
“The human genome is a treasure trove of information,” says Dr. Wilhelm Blandhuzen, lead 23&Me&Me&Me scientist. “There’s DNA evidence of everything from Neanderthals to extraterrestrials. Sasquatch DNA is way more common than you might think. Everyone has a little, in fact. But the question is, how much?”
While the original focus of this article was going to be the ‘SquathWatch product itself, that one question from Mr. Blandhuzen kept ringing in my ears…“Everyone has a little, but…how much?”
That’s where the story lies. How much Bigfoot DNA is out there?
There was only one way to find out—a random sampling. But why sample your average Joe?
Using methods I am not at liberty to discuss, I was able to secure a few celebrity samples to see how much Bigfoot DNA might be present. Some results were quite surprising, while others were not.
See what you think.
Nick Nolte – 23% Bigfoot
This singular result completely wrecked the Weekly World Newsroom betting pool. No one had Nolte under 75% Bigfoot. As far as I’m concerned, Nick Nolte owes me 10 bucks. Not for the betting pool, but for Mulholland Falls. I’m still pissed about that movie.
Christina Aguilera – 24% Bigfoot
Outwardly there is little indication Aguilera carries even trace amounts of Bigfoot DNA. Until you really think about it. Sure, she’s talented. And stunning. And successful. But I keep coming back to that vocal range. No mere human can hit notes like that. In fact, the only primate known to meet and exceed Aguilera’s vocal range is…you guessed it, Bigfoot. So it makes total sense.
Prince Harry – 54% Bigfoot
Here’s a helpful hint: Anyone with the name “Harry” is at least 50% Bigfoot. Period. Royal or no. This is due to a Sasquatch tradition dating back thousands of years. Don’t believe me? The evidence has been right under our nose since June 5, 1987, and the release of the much-misunderstood documentary “Harry and the Hendersons.”
Eddie Murphy – 68% Bigfoot
The reclusive Mr. Murphy recently roared back into the public eye with standout performances in Dolemite Is My Name and Coming to America 2. But in his groundbreaking standup album Delirious, the comedian joked that his uncle was married to a Bigfoot. Well as it turns out, Uncle Gus wasn’t the only one in the Murphy family to marry into the Bigfoot line. With DNA levels this high, it’s likely the intermingling began generations before. To quote Mr. Murphy himself from Delirious, “I know a [BLEEP] Bigfoot when I see one!”
And now so do we, sir. So. Do. We.
Jason Mamoa – 100% Bigfoot
Stop the presses! Aquaman. Khal Drogo. Hollywood mega-hunk, Jason Mamoa—not even a little bit human! As it turns out, Mamoa has a rare Sasquatch skin condition that caused him to lose most of his body hair. While this makes him uncomfortable around his Bigfoot family, it has made it easier for him to make a career in Hollywood.
One interesting side note revealed in this investigation: Mamoa’s attractiveness is not uncommon among Bigfoot communities. As it turns out, every Sasquatch is actually crazy-hot underneath all that fur. In fact, Mamoa is barely a 6 out of 10 in Bigfoot society.
So there you have it, loyal readers. From the vocal virtuosity of Christina Aguilera to the inherent hotness of Jason Mamoa, we humans have a lot more to thank our Bigfoot cousins for than a few blurry pictures and a bunch of unanswered questions.
Until next time: Flip. Out.