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KNOW YOUR HAT SIZE!

[Note From Editor: The following opinion by Dunwich Dundorfer and may not be held by other hatless reporters in the WWN newsroom.]

I can’t take it anymore! Every time I see it in public I’m as triggered as a kid that can’t afford the Fortnite battle pass. On a good day, I am merely seething with rage. On a bad day, I have to remove myself from public view and hate-watch an episode of Two Broke Girls. (also known as the poor man’s Laverne and Shirley.) It’s the only thing that can bring me back to a level disposition!

President Kennedy is the one who started this whole disgusting display that is seen all around the world.  What is it? —

Adjustable goddamn hats!

Kennedy himself didn’t wear an adjustable hat. His contribution was more nefarious than that. He made wearing a hat unfashionable!

Every president that came before him wore some sort of snappy cap. Either a beautiful bowler or a distinguished straw hat of some kind. It was the fashion accessory that defined America! For some reason, Kennedy didn’t like to wear a hat. Most likely because he had a giant damn pumpkin head that couldn’t fit into anything smaller than a large bucket. Maybe if he had a smaller coconut perched between those shoulders he would have been president longer!

People are mindless followers. The President wears a straw hat, they wear a straw hat. The President has a potato head and doesn’t wear a hat, they don’t wear a hat. Hat sales plummeted the first year of his presidency. It was the beginnings of dark times for the haberdashery and millinery industries. It wasn’t long before almost all of the legacy hat makers that had been around for scores of years were out of business.

Worse than that, the newer generation coming up had no idea of their hat size!

Enter the ultimate dumbass of modern times: the inventor of the adjustable hat. No, I don’t know that armpit clown’s name. I don’t want to give him the dignity of knowing anything about him. Hope he died a painful death. I am sure he made a fortune off of his unsightly contraption because I see every two-bit idiot and their dog sporting this infernal contraption.

YOU GOTTA KNOW THIS, PEOPLE!

Adults should know their hat size! Just like they know their underwear and t-shirt size.

Have you ever seen one of these underdeveloped mental caterpillars wearing one of those adjustable hats backward? It highlights the part of their anatomy that they are lacking. Not to mention the absurd suntan that is no doubt the result. Who wants a tan spot on their forehead that looks like part of the left cheek of WWE wrestler Rikishi?

WORLD FAMOUS WRESTLER, RIKISHI
AN UNDERDEVELOPED MENTAL CATERPILLAR

I know there are knuckleheads out there that wwnt to have their cake and eat it too. They call it “Flexfit”. Do you know how they make Flexfit? They take an old pair of underpants they scraped up from the goodwill store and sew the worn-out elastic bands into the hat so that it will stretch to accommodate oddly shaped yam-heads that can’t figure out the adjustable hat engineering. These are a scourge on humanity. Sad adjustable hats in camouflage, disguised as properly fitted attire. Makes me wanna spit up my McLunch!

Children are the only ones that should be allowed by law to wear adjustable hats, and even then, I would like to see some government oversight on the matter. I don’t trust people to do the right thing.

But then again, nobody listens to me…

Hey. BTW, if you want a great ADJUSTABLE hat, you can BUY ONE AT THE WWN STORE HERE!

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