ARE YOU JUDGEMENTAL?

Brick Rivers interview Dr. Fletcher Peetsake, author of the new bestseller “Are You Judgmental?”

(Note: The following article is an edited version of a three-hour interview between Brick Rivers for Weekly World News and Dr. Fletcher Peetsake, author of such previous works as “Are You Nuts?” and “Are You That Stupid?” The tape was paused, various times, because of fistfights.)

By Brick Rivers (who threw more punches) (“No he didn’t”: a note from Dr. Peetsake)

WWN: So, Dr. Peetsake, your book…

PEETSAKE: “Are You Judgmental?”

WWN: No, I don’t believe I am.

PEETSAKE: I wasn’t asking you if you were judgmental.

WWN: You distinctly asked me that.

PEETSAKE: I was just stating the name of my book! “Are You Judgmental?”

WWN: What a coincidence. And, no, I’m not. Now, what made you write this book?”

PEETSAKE: I thought that many of us, in our society, tend to form opinions of one another by just taking them in through our own prisms. For instance, if I see you walking around in bib-overalls, I might think you to be a rube – without knowing anything about you.

WWN: I don’t know anyone around here who can afford prisms to look through.

PEETSAKE: I wasn’t speaking literally!

WWN: I think you’re a snob.

PEETSAKE: Then, that makes you judgmental.

WWN: Before I wipe that smirk off your face, tell us more about it.

PEETSAKE: Well, I saw the way the country was being divided. It was more than just visual stereotypes; it was ideological stereotypes that were driving us crazy! People ‘knew’ what everyone else thought, without asking those ‘everyone else’s’ what they were actually thinking about.”

WWN: What do you think I’m thinking about you?

PEETSAKE: I think you’re thinking ‘He’s balmy.’

“Balmy” vs. “Nuts”

WWN: What does ‘balmy’ mean?

PEETSAKE: Bats, batty, bonkers, buggy, crackers, daft, dotty, haywire, kooky, loco, loony, around the bend, nuts, whacky, nutty, loopy, cracked.

WWN: So, basically, you’re making fun of my bib-overalls.

PEETSAKE: You’re not wearing bib-overalls! WHY would you defend bib-overalls?!

WWN: I wear them. It’s part of a clandestine group I belong to. Don’t ask.

PEETSAKE: I won’t. I’m not judgmental.

WWN: That’s for me to find out.

PEETSAKE: No it isn’t.

WWN: Wha…”

PEETSAKE: I’m here to be interviewed, not judged.

WWN: Who’s conducting this interview?

PEETSAKE: You are.

WWN: So, we play by my rules.

PEETSAKE: This interview is over.

WWN: It’s over when I say it’s over, Mr. Smarty-Pants! Don’t even think of trying to leave.

(Note: At this point, the sounds of a struggle accompanied by the sound of furniture being hurled and smashed and grunting begins, lasting a good fifteen minutes before the tape is shut off. The taping resumes.)

WWN: You sucker punched me, you bastard!

PEETSAKE: Well, here’s another one, you tabloid Troglodyte!

(Note: The sounds of a struggle begin again with much more yelling. It lasts ten minutes. The tape is turned off. When it’s turned on, again, both participants are wheezing badly.)

PEETSAKE: My nose is bleeding.

WWN: Hey, you’re the doctor. Fix it.

PEETSAKE: I’m not that kind of doctor.

WWN: Hah! I knew it. Ever perform surgery?

PEETSAKE: No.

WWN: Ever deliver a baby?

PEETSAKE: No.

WWN: Ever conduct a proctology exam?

PEETSAKE: Not intentionally, no. Look, I have a Ph. D. in human behavior! I’m that kind of doctor!

WWN: I bet you can’t even pop a zit!

PEETSAKE: Why, I oughtta…

The cops show up!

(Note: At that point, there’s the sound of extreme banging on a nearby door.)

VOICE: Police! Open up!

WWN: Cheese it! The cops.

VOICE: You have five seconds to open this door or else will break it down! One…

PEETSAKE: This will ruin my career!

WWN: Mine, too!

VOICE: Two…

WWN: Ever shinny down a fire escape?

PEETSAKE: No, but I’m willing to try.

WWN: Come on, step on it.

VOICE: Three…

(Note: At that point, the sound of two men screaming as they fall down a fire escape can be heard followed by receding angry voices of the police and the sound of sirens. The tape turns off. When it resumes, a lounge piano can be heard tinkling in the background.)

WWN: That was a close one. We were lucky to land in that dumpster.

PEETSAKE: It’ll take a week to get this stench off. (pause) I thought bars were supposed to be closed.

WWN: This is more of speakeasy.

PEETSAKE: Ah, so that’s why they didn’t react to our appearance.

WWN: You’re drinking beer. I figured you for more a wine guy.

PEETSAKE: You’re being judgmental.

WWN: Bite me.

PEETSAKE: Cheers.

WWN: Cheers. (pause) So, Doc. How did you accidentally perform a proctology exam?