ET TU, GLUTUS?

ROME, ITALY – Roman historians made a ground-breaking discovery today. For over 2000 years, the world has believed that Julius Caesar was assassinated. Historians have said that the Roman dictator was murdered by a group of Roman senators on March 15th, in 44 BC. This happened during a meeting of the Senate at the Theater of Pompey in Rome.

But after studying relics and newly found hieroglyphics found on a wall in a Roman taverna, the truth has finally been revealed. Julius Caesar was not assassinated. He was not stabbed 23 times. And he did not die from those wounds. It wasn’t the knife wounds that killed him, it was gluten!

“We examined new-found relics near the old Theater of Pompey. Then we scoured texts from the middle ages that recounted oral histories of Caesar’s time,” said the world’s leading Roman historian, Luca DiNardo. “Researches all arrived at the same conclusion. Caesar developed celiac disease and the gluten finally did him in.”

DiNardo told Weekly World News that nobody at the time knew the dramatic effect gluten could have on the body. “They didn’t even know what gluten was. It’s a tragedy of course. Maybe the course of human history would be different.”

WHAT HAPPENED ON THAT FATEFUL DAY?

“There was tension between Caesar and the Senate at the time,” Dinardo said. “Casear wanted to be King of Rome, forever. And he wanted his face on the front and back of a new coin. That really irked the senators. He also wanted to invade a few more territories and countries, just for the fun of it.

“Caesar aggravated The Senators when he efused to stand up when they came into his chamber. This set off all the events that led to his supposed stabbing,” DiNardo said.

But the truth has finally come out. Caesar could not get up to greet the Senators because he was in such stomach pain, he couldn’t stand. And he was running to chamber pot much too often. Apparently, he was too embarrassed to tell the Senators. So, he just sat there.

“Brutus became enraged. Caesar had insulted him with his actions. And the research does show that Brutus did discuss a plot to have him killed. But they were always plotting. They were all talk. The Senators never took action,” said DiNardo.

“A healer had told Caesar that on the “ides of March” his stomach would ‘rage against him’ and advised Caesar to stay in bed,” DiNardo said. “But Caesar went to the Theater of Pompey. He wasn’t feeling well at all. He wasn’t stabbed 23 times. Instead, Caesar had 23 sharp pains in his stomach that day. They were excruciating pains that made him topple to the floor. He was writhing in pain for several minutes and then he died. The Senators, of course, took credit for his death. They wanted to look like tough guys,” said DiNardo.

Caesar’s Favorite

THE CAUSE UNCOVERED

It turns out that Caesar had been eating an excessive amount of pizza for weeks. “He loved pizza. It was his comfort food when others were plotting to kill him.” However, history now shows that it was the traitors that did him in. Not the pizza. Or the bread.

Gluten killed Julius Caesar! Historians are updating all Roman history books. And they are all staying away from gluten!

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