“WHAT IN HADES WAS I THINKING?” SAYS KING.
The legendary lost continent of Atlantis, long-thought to be a myth, resurfaced last Thursday in an area of the Atlantic Ocean known as “The Bermuda Triangle.” The King of Atlantis immediately summoned Weekly World News to witness the event. After bringing us to the futuristic land via a submersible hovercraft, the King of Atlantis, Alphonse, greeted us with a hearty handshake. “It’s fine,” he beamed. “It’s still okay to do that, here.”
Weekly World News was awestruck by the vastness of the sleekly designed land that stretched from the main city of Atlantis into the bubble-domed suburbs and the farmlands that seemed to stretch into infinity. Rolling sidewalks and monorails kept the populace moving in the city in a way that mirrored both classic futurism and pulp sci-fi. Even more startling was the populous itself: humans, robots, animal people and mythological mainstays.
A Minotaur strode by, nodding at King Alphonse. “Howzit goin’ Al,” he said. “It’s goin’ good, Bob,” the King replied.
Noting the startled expression on our face, the King laughed. “Everything is mellow, here. Our vibe is strictly small town.”
“But minotaurs don’t exist,” WWN exclaimed. “And they wouldn’t be speaking English if they did!”
Phil led us into his palace, yet another futuristic wonder. “He wasn’t speaking English,” the King explained. “All of Atlantis is wired with a language translator. We have almost fifty different languages spoken here, from Greek to grunts. Everybody understands each other instantly. However, a lot of our citizenry prefer New Jersey English. ‘The Sopranos’ was a national pastime.”
Seeing that Weekly World News was confused over an entire continent being “wired,” the King smiled and took a sip of amber. Weekly World News had a gin and tonic. “We’re not actually a landmass,” he revealed. “This is probably the biggest machine the world has ever known or ever will know.”
Atlantis started with a shipwreck
“Back in the old days,” the King said. “The Bermuda Triangle was an area that no sane sailor would enter. However, during the reign of King Minos, the ultimate sea warrior, a ship with some of his kingdom’s top warriors and greatest minds was sent to explore and conquer. Their ship floundered, here. They turned the ship into a functioning floating home, building outwards and upwards, incorporating reefs and debris to expand it.”
The King further stated: “After a while, more and more ships from all around the world careened here. Those ships, those people, those great minds all wound up on this spot, creating a science-driven faux continent that could move at will, sort of like your off-road vehicles but with less pollution. Eventually, we could submerge, if we had to. It came in handy during wars.
“Then, once Atlantis’ scientific discoveries surpassed anything on the planet, we started to notice things going on in the outside world. The Greeks and the Romans seemed hell-bent to destroy each other with wars. It was incredibly stupid. Plus, what was going on there with the warriors wearing mini-skirts and oiling their bodies while the women wore ankle-length dresses? Seriously. Major kink.
THE TRUTH REVEALED
“And civilization was collapsing. The Seven Wonders of the World began to go. The Colossus of Rhodes? Gone. The Library of Alexandria? Gone. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Gone.
“More and more enlightened people and persecuted creatures fled to Atlantis. Most of them made it. We began to expand our mass. Imagine centaurs and unicorns pitching in for new construction, flank to flank with humans. Yet, the world outside grew more and more, uh, dumb. Its idea of science consisted of developing bigger and better killing machines. At a certain point, we pulled the plug, activated our diving mechanisms and sunk ourselves. It wasn’t a natural disaster, it was our King saying ‘screw this.’”
“WTF? are the Kardashians?”
Weekly Wolrd News was shocked. It was then that we saw an outdoor class of belly dancing begin. We were delighted by the pulsating pulchritude. The King took note. “We still like to keep the old ways alive but we’ve always kept incorporating the outside ways as well. We send a few small ships out every year to keep up with world trends. Friday nights are ‘bowling nights’ throughout the land. Who knew from bowling back in the days of Minos’ navy? Plus, we get all your cable TV and streaming services. WTF? are the Kardashians? What’s with the duck lips? We’re still getting over ‘Honey Boo-Boo.’ You Americans! What’s next? ‘Cow Pie Café?”
We asked the King why he ordered Atlantis to resurface. “My bad,” he said with a shrug. “What in Hades was I thinking? I thought we could help out with the craziness afflicting your outside world. Then, it took us about six minutes of monitoring all the news programming going on to realize that, if you above-worlders don’t have the smarts to help yourselves? Atlantis says: ‘pa-tooie.’ You folks are killing yourselves and your planet and you’re taking orders from leaders who resemble jellyfish in terms of intellect and backbone. Swallowing bleach? Seriously?”
He grimaced: “Major bummer.”
THE RETURN TRIP
He led Weekly World News to a flying submersible craft to take us home. “Now, I’m afraid, we have to resubmurge. Just know that we Atlanteans respect WWN and if you, or any of your readership, wants to join us beneath the sea? Just contact us. Put a note in a bottle and toss it into the Atlantic Ocean. We’ll find it.”
As we entered the craft, Bob the Minotaur trotted up to us. “Please tell Bigfoot to stay well! And let Bat Boy know that he’s revered, here.”
“You got it, Bob,” we replied as we flew off and, from the air, saw Atlantis sink, again.
At the point our cell phone rang. It was from the Lost World of Mu.