NEW YORK CITY – Bigfoot Hooker arrived on Wall Street on Thursday, March 12. Since then she has been doing her part to make sure that traders, brokers and investment bankers on Wall Street stay calm and relaxed,

“Helen” first took up the profession in Northern Minnesota. But she had a limited client base. Some girls recommended she try Washington DC because “that’s where all the action is.” So Helen headed to DC and soon became the most requested hooker with politicians of every stripe (and gender).

Now she’s on Wall Street, and has been making a lot of people calm during this volatile market.

“My floor traders are much more relaxed knowing Helen is nearby,” said Morgan Barney’s Chuck McSweeney. McSweeney was also on the floor for the crash in ’87. He wishes Helen was around back then. “I usually don’t let them take much of a break during the day, but if the need to spend time with Helen, I let them.”

Helen, who some call the “hirsutitute”, has not abandoned working on her tell-all book. She spills the beans about all her powerful clients. “She just submitted the book to the FBI to make sure no classified secrets are revealed,” said Crystal Mookle of Harper Collins. “We expect it to be released in November. And we are sure it will be the biggest book of the year.”


Meanwhile, Helen is taking action, trying to do what she can during this latest market crisis. “A lot of guys think she’s been doing a great service to the market and the country,” McSweeney told Weekly World News. “I tell ya, some of the guys think she should run for President. That’s how good she makes them feel.”

Washington DC insiders are complaining that Helen is spending too much time in New York and hope that she’ll return to DC soon. “She has been a real friend to a lot of Senators, we sure hope this crisis ends so she can get back to the nation’s capital where she belongs,” said Mitch McConnell.

There’s a lot of ups and downs on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange these days. But at least we know that Bigfoot Hooker is on the scene, doing her part to save America.

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