BAT BOY BOYCOTTS SUPER TUESDAY!

And The Reason May Shock You!

Bat Boy, the iconoclastic independent whose every move seems to shake up this year’s presidential campaign season, has done it again. 

On a day that is seeing primary voting in fourteen states and one territory (American Samoa, in case you’re in civics class—and take note that it’s a caucus rather than a primary), political pundits are hoping that voters will being the 2020 presidential race into sharper focus. Will Bernie Sanders solidify his lead? Will Joe Biden continue to gain momentum after his landslide win in South Carolina?

One important element is missing: Bat Boy.

“He decided to sit this one out,” said Bat Boy’s campaign manager, Ph.D. Ape. “He just doesn’t think Super Tuesday is fair.”

“It’s an interesting argument,” said Sara Carson, a political scientist at the University of Eastern Connecticut State. “There have always been people who have objected to the way that we pick our presidential candidates, and a big part of that is Super Tuesday. So many delegates are up for grabs, and observers worry that it distends the process. For example, Biden’s great result in South Carolina was only a few days ago. Is this enough time for that to register with voters, particularly given early voting?”

Sara Carson, University of Eastern Connecticut State

THAT’S NOT HIS PROBLEM

But Bat Boy’s problem with Super Tuesday seem to be more about the Tuesday than the Super.

“It’s simpler than that. He doesn’t think that it’s fair for one day to get all the attention, from an electoral perspective,” says Ph.D. Ape. “Some primaries and caucuses are on Saturdays, sure, but this practice loads everything into a Tuesday. So what about Monday? What about Wednesday? I don’t have to go through the rest of the days. You know them, I assume.”

Bat Boy’s decision to speak up against Tuesday’s unfair dominance has already attracted thousands of supporters, who have shown up to his rallies with handmade signs emblazoned with anti-Tuesday (or pro-other day) slogans: “They Don’t Like Mondays,” “Thank God It’s Not Friday—Because You Wouldn’t Be Exercising Your Right To Vote,” and “Wednesday’s Child is Full of Woe…And It’s The Fault of the DNC and the RNC!”  

Counter-protestors have begun to appear as well, with pro-Tuesday signs: “Yay Tuesdays!” “Go Tuesdays!” and “Save Tuesdays!” among them. “We have worse slogans than the other side,” said a counter-protestor who asked not to be named. “I’ll admit that. But it doesn’t mean our cause is wrong.”

Ph.D. Ape – Bat Boy Campaign Manager

IS THAT THE REAL REASON?

Bat Boy’s running mate, Bigfoot, echoes Ph.D. Ape’s claim that Bat Boy just wants equal treatment of days. “All the days have the same size squares on the calendar, so why not the same size squares in life?” said Bigfoot.

But others think the objection began long before Bat Boy entered politics. “It is not about being fair to Tuesdays, that much I can guarantee,” said his longtime friend, Arturo Bannerstein, who has known Bat Boy since the two of them met at a gambling table in Las Vegas more than fifteen years ago. “Because he absolutely hates Tuesdays. He wishes that they never existed. It was one of the first things he said to me. At the time, it was surprising, because it was apropos of nothing.”

“It happened with me, too,” said Gar Yarvolson, another longtime pal of the candidate. “One night we were ice fishing and he drank a little too much. He started to go in on everything bad that had ever happened to him: first breakup, death of his parents, flat tires. They all happened on a Tuesday.”

“Absolutely,” said a third friend, Gerald Larrious. “In fact, we were ice fishing just the other weekend, and he was drunk, and he said that if he’s elected one of his first actions will be to switch to a four-day workweek. ‘That’s great,’ I said. ‘And a three-day weekend?’ ‘No,’ he said. ‘Same weekend.’ ‘But how?” I said. ‘That would mean only six days in the week.’ He just threw back his head and laughed, one of those real high-pitched screech laughs that he does when he’s not onstage. ‘Exactly,’ he said. ‘Six-day week. Sayonara, Tuesday!’”

DENIALS FROM THE CAMPAIGN

Ph.D. Ape flatly rejects this explanation. “That’s simply not true,” he said. “Bat Boy respects all seven days of the week. He would no more eliminate one than he would frivolously add a day. As I said earlier, he just wants each day to be treated equally, as far as that’s possible. This is about fairness, not a personal grudge. And given that he is aware that he cannot fully avoid Tuesday votes, his Super Tuesday boycott is a symbolic action. It is intended to draw attention to a cause he believes is extremely important for equitable democracy.”

The candidate could not be reached for comment.

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