BOMB UNIVERSITY

PAKISTAN – Pakistani University commences tenure review of bomb professor!
In the wake of the failed Times Square bombing attempt last week, Professor Aarya Gunna Lossafinga, the Richard Reid Chair of Combustible and Incendiary Devices at the University of Balochistan in Quetta (commonly known as “Bomb Univ.”), is now the subject of tenure review proceedings at this respected university.  Bomb U. is widely known for attracting top recruits to its broad range of terrorist arts including hunger striking, facial hair cultivation, trash talking the West on satellite video feeds and its globally noted Infidel Indignation Center  (IIC).
Professor Lossafinga is the first professor in the CID department to have reached the ten-year mark required for tenure at Bomb U.  He has recently come under intense scrutiny for his longevity in the department as well as a growing base of incarcerated alumni.
“Unique to this department has been a long history of tremendous turnover in the teaching staff, student body as well as enormous ongoing capital investment to maintain and rebuild the CID physical plant,” commented Bomb U. provost, Rahim Ali.  Much of the required funding had been provided by a far higher than usual number of family bequests within the department.
But that all changed a decade ago with the arrival of Professor Lossafinga and his more traditional ways.  Today, after a growing list of failed terrorism efforts, Bomb U. is now questioning Prof. Lossafinga’s actual qualifications as well as his reactionary teachings regarding the use of flints, fermented goats blood, wood shavings, and animal skins as the active ingredients in his honors track in combustible devices.  It was widely known by students that even the use of matches was frowned up on by Prof. Lossafinga.   And financial pressures have been mounting as bequest funding has dropped sharply in recent years at the same time that the size and cost of alumni gatherings increased substantially.
Faisal Shahzad, the alleged Time Square bomber, it seems, was a star pupil of Prof. Lossafinga.  Shahzad’s master’s thesis was based on an IED constructed of a mixture of Pakistani topsoils and grasses that were to be detonated by sunrays concentrated by a pocket magnifying glass.  His thesis project remains inconspicuously installed in a highly trafficked square outside a U.S. military compound near Quetta, however lingering shadows from adjacent buildings have so far conspired against the device’s detonation.  But a proud Lossafinga remains optimistic, “I pray daily that the greatness of Shahzad’s work will be realized and our fair institution will bask in that glory.”

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