All Hallow’s Eve draws near and with it, the end of humanity! So decorate, celebrate and don’t complain about it, whiners! Ye be warned! All unoccupied property WILL turn into a Spirit Halloween! Keep the rent nice and current…Brawhahahaha!
editor@weeklyworldnews.com – if it’s a real problem, call someone who cares. If you want Dotti advice, write me.
PUMPKIN SPICE WARNING!
Dear Dotti,
I have traveled here from the future to stop the collapse of civilization. In the future, people wander with their hands out, refusing to eat food all around them unless it is explicitly flavored with PUMPKIN SPICE. Billionaires have bought it all up and ration it with cruelty and favoritism, bringing all the nations of the world under their control. How can I destroy all pumpkin spice before it ruins us all?
– HEAR MY WARNING!
Dear Soothsayer,
Well, ya came to the past too late to save the future. What’s done is done. You’re whistling into the wind, at people will laugh at you and utter the words that have befallen so many mortals before, I can stop anytime I want to. Beware, mortals have a way of killing the messenger, so keep that portal back to your future open, mmmkay?
— Dotti
SQUATTER SPIRIT
Dear Dotti,
FINE! I didn’t pay my rent on time, and I got evicted. Well, before I could type SQUATTERS RIGHTS, my kitchen turned into the demented clown aisle of Spirit Halloween! They slapped their orange sign across my eviction notice and now all my lights flicker and teenagers in orange shirts keep explaining the returns policy in monotone. How do I get my coffee table back from the séance display?
—Just Want to Squat!
Dear Don’t Know Squat,
It’s Spirit Halloween time, and we’re all caught in its spiral. Practice the faraway look of seasonal hourly employment and you’ll be hired in no time. Save your pennies and get ready to plead with your landlord to get your lease back. But be ready to fight everyone trying to return that sexy haunted-nun costume on November 1st. Spirit Halloween ghosts faster than a security deposit!
—Dotti
SURVIVING HALLOWEEN
Dear Dotti,
I hate Halloween and it’s that cursed time again. How do I survive the next month when everything is orange and skeletons are reaching for me on every aisle of the grocery store?
— Waiting for Pulaski Day
Dear Wrong,
If you’re looking to find a fellow Halloween hater, you wrote the wrong legacy WWN character! If you can’t turn this bad vibe around? Sit in a freezer till you become Jack from The Shining.
– Dotti
That’s all till next week, my Halloweeners. Too-dah-boo!
