Hello, darlings and deadbeats. Keep me posted on your predicaments, and you might just stay out of purgatory, eat a vegetable or two, and clean your filthy house!
ALIEN BODY-SWAP
Dear Dotti,
I swear this is really happening! My cheeseburger-loving, couch potato husband has been body-swapped by aliens! He came home with grocery bags full of vegetables and said he wants to care for himself from the inside out. He never even wanted to go on a walk, yet now? He wakes up early to go running and do “sun salutations.” Yesterday, he wore leather flip-flops!
This all started after a sales conference in Tampa. Do you think he’s being held hostage in Florida while this imposter lives in my home?
— Where’s My Man?
Dear Read-the-Room,
He came home with more than just an affinity for vegetables. He’s possessed by a yoga teacher he “crossed paths with” at the Hilton Conference Center. In due time, the entity behind his love of sun salutations will lose interest in him and move on to another boring slob in a three-button polo. Just watch your bank account. These kinds of poltergeists love to extract cash from the man they “believe in.” Lululemon leggings aren’t free, even for body snatchers.
–– Dotti
PICKUP LANES
Dear Dotti,
HELP ME! I got into the pickup line at my son’s elementary school, and now I’m in purgatory! Waves of children keep coming out the gate, but there are so many other cars clogging up the pick-up area; it’s never my turn to move up! I’m SO CLOSE, but I’m losing hope.
— signed, What Sin Landed Me Here?
Dear Sinner,
Abandon hope, all ye who enter the pickup lane. You know what you did to deserve this. Until the school attendant grants you her grace, all you can do is reflect on the life choices you’ve made. If you are ever free of eternal limbo, leave the car at home and pick up your kids on foot.
God gave you legs for a reason.
— Dotti
THE CLEANER
Dear Dotti,
My roommate says she can’t clean her house until the “How Long Does it Take” Lady on TikTok answers her DM and comes to our place to make a soch! Our apartment is filled with half-finished shelves, unpacked boxes, and whatever is in that bag by the door. How do I get her to stop waiting to go viral before she can stop procrastinating?!
–– Just do it, Damn it!
Dear Rager,
See Ed Anger if you want to rant, but that box ain’t gonna open itself. How long does it really take to be a good friend in this forsaken world? I don’t know, cause I would move out on this clown. So put a shelf up or shut up! But if that ‘Toker ever answers that DM, write me. I’m a sucker for a good cleaning video.
— Dotti
Toodaloo ‘till next week…
