Hey Readers everywhere,
Get some self-esteem. Get off the couch. And for Sasquatch’s sake, stop looking for Bigfoot. He’s right here in the pages of Weekly World News!
If you have a problem, call someone who cares. Otherwise, plead for my attention at editor@weeklyworldnews.com.
DOGGIE DOORS
Dear Dotti,
Right when I thought life had no meaning, a dog wandered in my front door. I feed him steak, and he sleeps in my bed until he sneaks out the doggie door! He returns the next day for another steak. Yesterday, I found his collar in the bushes, but somehow, he had it back on when he came home. What’s going on?
— Signed, Where Does He Go at Night?
Dear Dog,
He’ll never leave his real family. You’re just the steak on the side.
Close up the doggie door on this tramp and get a canine that will show you some respect before you waste another steak.
— Dotti
GYM RATS?
Dear Dotti,
We have five gym memberships, and the only thing we use consistently is our couch. We saw a Sofa to Ripped program on TV for only thirty dollars a month. We’ve already subscribed to Calisthenics for Dummies, Fast 24 Hours A Day, and Killing Cortisol by Screaming Into the Void. Should we sign up for one more?
— Signed, You Save Money if You Act Now!
Dear Signed and Sitting,
You know how to get fit using your couch? Pick it up and leave it on the curb. Build your endurance by walking to the nearest gym. Arguing with the front desk to cancel your membership will burn the rest of your sofa-soft body into shape. While you’re at it, scream into the void for me.
– Dotti
BIGFOOT HUBBY
Dear Dotti,
Finally, something actually HAPPENED on our street! I think we finally crossed paths with the myth, the legend, the incredible Bigfoot! My husband was the only one who missed him, which bummed the kids out, but I guess he was running errands. Here’s the picture. It’s him, right?
– Bigfoot Fan
Dear Disappointed,
I’m not gonna beat around the bush with this one. This is merely a common man in the wild of his own backyard. I suspect it is your husband, in ill-fitting cargo shorts. Many a hoped-for Bigfoot sighting has turned out to be one of these made-you-look! If you want to see evidence of Bigfoot, read Weekly World News. If you want to see evidence that your husband needs to ask the barber to clean up around his collar, use this photo.
–Dotti
Don’t just cry alone; write me so I can laugh at you. editor@weeklyworldnews.com
Toodaloo.
