LOS ANGELES, CA – Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are rumored to have broken up. Biel has since been seen on the arm of the Everglades’ most eligible bachelor: Manigator.
According to insider reports Biel and Timberlake recently ended their three year relationship. No official press release has yet been given, but Timberlake has been seen woo’ing Rihanna. This would explain several reports of Biel being seen spending romantic evenings out with the half-man half-alligator mutant, possibly to spite Timberlake.
Last week they were seen enjoying All-You-Can-Eat Wing Night at a South Florida Hooters. After a long evening of small talk Manigator attempted to impress his date by borrowing her platform shoes and recreating the Pee Wee Herman Big Shoe Dance on the bar. A very inebriated Biel enjoyed the display, while restaurant management did not and asked the two to leave. Outside, their faces covered with barbeque blue cheese sauce, the two shared a brief kiss.
A few days later Jessica Biel was seen escorting Manigator around Los Angeles. Manigator looked distressed as he is federally barred from entering the state of California. An inside source says she smuggled him across state lines in her luggage. The two were seen at a Starbucks where Biel ordered a no-fat latte and Manigator asked for a Jagermeister. Irate that the barista was unable to fulfill his request, Manigator climbed on to the counter asking if the woman was “racist?” He continued, “Is that it, cause ahmma Reptil-Amer’kan?! You dunno me!” Manigator calmed down as Biel pursuaded him to relax and emptied a flask into his coffee. Later, Manigator was heard saying, “You’re so, no I’m serious, Yourso good. No I’m serrus lissen’. Lissen’. I won’t hold 7th Heaven against you.”
The same inside source says that Manigator joined her later for a tanning session, where while she was tanning he curled around the booth’s warm and took a nap.
Police reports describe a fight breaking out in the “cafe” section of a nearby K-Mart the next day. Whether or not the two were involved is unknown, but witnesses describe a “half lizard man” as having been at the heart of it.
Conflicting reports say that Timberlake and Biel never broke up and are currently on vacation together in Napa. Whether they never broke up, or if a weekend tryst with Manigator sent Biel running back into Timberlake’s arms remains to be seen.