NEW ORLEANS, LA – An alien movie critic traveled through time so he could be the first to trash the new Star Trek movie, including dozens of spoilers.
J.J. Abrams’ new Star Trek, a reimagining of the original TV show, is one of the most highly anticipated movies throughout the galaxy. Nerds from every star system are eagerly awaiting its release this Friday (Sunday in the remote Vega system). However the movie is being ruined by scathing and telling reviews from a popular website.
Joss Mooredrohn is an intergalactic movie critic who runs the popular movie news and review site ArentIAwesome. The site gained incredible popularity for having inside news on media projects from around the galaxy. Mooredrohn has since been able to purchase his own private vacation moon, a harem of mail-order brides, a clone of himself which he keeps frozen in case of emergencies, and the original Chewbacca costume.
This week Mooredrohn used a time machine to see the movie after its release, and be the first to write scathing snarky reviews. Millions around the galaxy were outraged when Mooredrohn ruined several surprises of the movie without any warning of spoilers.
Here are some samples from his site.
“Star Trek, one of the greatest fictional legacies ever, has been disgraced by its latest incarnation. To say that any could top the dramatic prowess of William Shatner is a blasphemy I will not stand. So to even suggest newcomer Chris Pine could fill his shoes is a laugh, even with his gratuitous nudity and shocking death scene at the end.”
“J.J. Abrams attempts to intone the spirit of Gene Roddenberry yet achieves only Epic Fail. Never one to avoid self promotion, the cast of Lost are the Starfleet officers who fly in at the end to defeat Nero. They then benevolently direct the Enterprise to the wormhole where Kirk can be brought back to life.”
“The cameo of Tommy Wisseau as the Supreme Chancellor of Planets was a blessed ray of hope in this otherwise barren imitation of Trek.”
“Kirk’s love scene with Uhuru became intolerable when he started imagining she was Spock. I had to start making out with my many girlfriends while we waited 6 and a half minutes for their man-love sex scene to be over. Although, adding the Vulcan’s extra nipples was an interesting addition to the canon.”
In some star systems, unwarned spoilers are a capital offense, and warrants are out for Joss Mooredrohn’s arrest.