DUDE DATING WITH J-TRAIN: WHAT TO WEAR

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!
From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…..
Dude Dating with J-Train: Clothing
Q. I’ve been dating this girl for a couple of months and she keeps pushing me to go shopping with her. Am I in a ‘too soon” situation? – Robert Barone, Lynbrook, Long Island
Go ahead. Just know that shopping with girls is a much different experience then when you go on your own. When I go shopping, and I know I need a shirt, I get one shirt and I’m done. They go and they’re like, ‘I want some shirts, a new bag, oh and those shoes, and I’d absolutely die for that scarf, and…OH MY GOD IS THAT A TORI BIRCH CHIFFON BRULEE BEDAZZLED NECK BRACE!? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!’ There’s touching, there’s browsing, there’s smelling, there’s twirling, and anger, and love, and tears, and, of course, dreaming. They literally go through this out of body experience and you end up walking into a dressing room with 50 different items, even though you know you’ll never buy most of them, but she’s like ‘oh just try it on’ and you’re like, ‘why?’ and then she grits her teeth, lowers her brow and says in some voice culled from hell, ‘just. try. it. on.’ like a crack addict denied her bump and your scared for your life until all you end up walking out of the store with is half a sock and thoughts about becoming anorexic.
Is it too soon? Twelve years from now would be too soon. But just know that this is an important step in their mind. Girls grow up playing dress-up with their friends and dolls. You are little more than a life-sized doll to her; something to preen and comb and dress until you’re exactly what she wants. Because eventually, your sex will become routine, your conversations will become boring and you will get fat and bald; and the only thing she’ll have left is telling her friends that, yes, she did buy that shirt for you – isn’t it nice?

Q. I wear the same underwear for a couple of days at a time. I’m a Dude, that’s what we do. My lady keeps getting mad at me for it. Am I in the wrong? – Andrew Baines Bernard Jr., Scranton, PA
Look at it from her point of view – First off, she wears underwear that isn’t bought at a store called Costco; as a matter of fact, it’s likely she bought her underwear from a place that only sells underwear. Underwear already has significance to her that you’ll never understand and to her, it requires care. Second, most of her underwear spends the majority of her day further up her butt than you’ll ever get – which means it has to be washed every day, no exceptions. And lastly, from time to time, she may even get a little blood on it (you know, from her monthly dog-fighting league), reinforcing the whole, ‘this needs to be cleaned’ idea. So now imagine, none of that mattered to her; let’s say you guys are about to hook up and you take off her jeans and then…well…chaos – her white grandma panties are covered in violent, Van Gogh-like streaks of brown and red, vicious reminders of life’s harshest realities (that girls actually do poop) and all you can do is scream in horror as your penis retracts so far inside your body that all of a sudden you’re technically having sex with yourself. It’s a nightmare vision, I know – one that makes ‘Human Centipede’ look like a tamer version of ‘The Muppets Take Manhattan.’
So you can understand that maybe she doesn’t want a waft of your under-ball sweat every time you guys get down. If washing your underwear is still too much work, then just go and buy multiple pairs of the same underwear – that way, she won’t know the difference until a fungus starts to grow.
Q. I went on a first date with this guy who was wearing one of those Ed Hardy hats with all of the gold and eagles on it. He was a nice guy and we had fun, if he wasn’t wearing that hat I would go out with him for sure but now I’m rethinking going out again. Am I a horrible person for being this vain? – Sophia Petrillo, Miami, FL
What I’ve noticed is that girls seem to have this checklist in their mind: does he have blue eyes? Is he tall? Are his shoes acceptable? Does he smell like lilacs? Does he have a British accent and an adorable stammer? And they feel that this guy is only right for them if he matches an exact painting in their mind (I’ve found this is mostly true with girls who just graduated college and think that guys will be different in ‘the real world’ – FYI they’re not). The reality is that while he may not fit your perfect vision, you probably don’t fit his, or anyone’s for that matter, so you might as well start thinking about the basics and building from there – specifically, did you have fun? And, are you attracted?
I have an old college friend that started dating someone a few years ago – he’d come to the bar and talk about how it wasn’t going to last as he ogled at other girls. They got engaged this year, and I asked him, ‘What changed?’ He said, ‘I learned to love her.’ People who believe in ‘love at first sight’ are idiots in denial; for men in particular, ‘love at first sight’ is just some tingling in their balls. Love is discovered, not found.
So, am I saying give him a chance? No, he was wearing an Ed Hardy hat. Delete his number.
You’re Welcome,
Train.


Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!
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