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FLESH-EATING BANANAS


MAPUTO, MOZAMBIQUE —  Flesh-eating bananas have claimed the lives of over seven hundred citizens!

Sales of bananas in Maputo have plummeted following an outbreak of flesh-eating bananas that have claimed the lives of hundreds of citizens infested with a lethal banana bacteria.

The bananas sold in Maputo are grown in Mozambique. Mozambique exports bananas to South Africa. But this has made no difference to panic-stricken consumers who are avoiding the fruit altogether.  Oddly though, if you put the bananas in pancakes, the bacteria is no longer lethal.  So, authorities are encouraging all citizens to eat banana pancakes.

The Ministry of Health has assured consumers that the messages are a hoax and that nobody has appeared at any Mozambican health unit suffering from illness caused by infected bananas.

The Ministries of Health, Agriculture and Trade issued a joint statement on Wednesday stating “there is infected bananas are being dealt with, and removed.   We will soon have a country filled with only good, non-lethal bananas”  The Minster of Bananas guaranteed to ensure that bananas would be “peeled and eaten” again soon.

The authorities in the South African province of Kwazulu-Natal, where the lethal bananas come from, have also stressed that there is no reason for alarm. South African banana producers have publicly expressed their indignation that they have bad bananas and promise to send good bananas soon.

Apparently, the bacterium in the bad bananas causes necrotizing fascitis, an extremely rare infection of the deeper layers of skin and subcutaneous tissues, often referred to as a “flesh-eating disease”.

Local authorities are advising citizens not to purchase bananas that have ooze coming out of them for the next three weeks! If you have eaten a banana with ooze in the last two to three days and come down with a fever followed by a skin infection, please seek medical attention.”