Folks, this is Ed Anger here, and I’m so steamed up I could fry an egg on my forehead. Or better yet, roast a weenie over the flames of my fury!
For years, we’ve let these long-haired, America-hating weirdos run around torching Old Glory like it’s some kinda backyard barbecue prop for their tofu skewers. Well, no more! President Trump, that red-blooded patriot with a comb-over tougher than a rhino’s hide, just signed an executive order yesterday slapping these traitors with jail time for desecrating our sacred stars and stripes. That’s right, one year behind bars for anyone who lights up the flag that’s flown over Iwo Jima and Normandy! And about time, too – I’m madder than a vampire at a garlic festival that it took this long! Heck, these flag-flamers should be forced to bunk with Bigfoot in a cell full of Elvis impersonators!
IT’S ALL HOGWASH, FOLKS!
Let me tell ya, burning the American flag ain’t “free speech.” It’s a slap in the face to every soldier who bled for this country. It’s like giving Uncle Sam a noogie while he’s trying to salute! Back in the good ol’ days, we’d have tarred and feathered these pinko protesters before they could strike a match. Then we would have made ’em dance the hokey-pokey in polka-dot pajamas. But nooo, the Supreme Court, with their fancy robes and liberal leanings that make ’em look like escaped wizards from a bad fantasy novel, said it’s protected way back in ’89.
Protected? Hogwash! That’s like saying you can spit on your grandma and call it art. Or worse, serve her kale salad and pretend it’s dessert! Trump knows better. He’s calling it “uniquely offensive” and ordering the Justice Department to hunt down these flag-flamers like the varmints they are. Maybe even using drone-mounted apple pies for bait. Finally, a leader with guts who’s standing up for real Americans – the kind who eat apple pie without counting calories!
IS ONE ENOUGH?
And don’t get me started on these riots where they’ve been burning flags left and right, like in L.A. just a couple months ago, turning the streets into a bonfire party for anarchist clowns. These so-called “protesters” ain’t protesting. They’re vandalizing the symbol of freedom itself, probably while sipping soy lattes and tweeting about their “feelings”! Trump’s executive order is a breath of fresh air, mandating prosecutions and restoring respect to the flag that’s waved proudly since 1776. Back when men were men and flags didn’t come with a “flammable” warning label. If you ask me, one year in the slammer ain’t enough. Make it ten, and throw in some hard labor waving the flag at parades, or better yet, knitting new ones out of their own beards!
IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME
Of course, the fake news media is whining about “constitutional protections” and how Trump’s defying the courts. They’re like a bunch of crybabies who lost their pacifiers. Boo hoo! Who cares what some pointy-headed judges think? The people want this. Polls showed two-thirds of real Americans supported banning it years ago, probably while waving tiny flags at their TV screens!
Trump’s even floated a constitutional amendment to make it permanent. I say we ratify that faster than a jackrabbit on a hot griddle. That’s leadership, folks! Not like those wimpy politicians who let our flag go up in smoke while they hide under their desks eating cheese doodles.
In conclusion, God bless Trump for this ban, and to all you flag-burners out there: Pack your bags and move to some commie country where they don’t have flags worth saluting. Or at least ones that don’t smell like freedom fries! I’m Ed Anger, and I’m pig-biting mad – but for once, in a good way, with a side of chuckles! USA! USA! USA!
Burning a flag is not free speech it is arson! Speech is the words that come out of somebody’s mouth.