Folks, I’m so steamed I could boil a bald eagle’s bathwater! This week, some fancy-pants chess whiz named Magnus Carlsen—who sounds like he oughta be selling Swedish meatballs—beat another brainiac, Hikaru Nakamura, in some hoity-toity “Esports World Cup” chess match. And get this: they didn’t even touch a real chessboard! Nope, these eggheads were clicking mice like a couple of basement-dwelling nerds playing video games! I’m madder than a pawn in a checkmate, and I ain’t gonna stand for this sissified nonsense ruining a perfectly good American pastime!
Chess used to be a man’s game, dagnabbit! Back in my day, you’d sit across from your opponent, stare him down like John Wayne sizing up a varmint, and move those wooden pieces with your own two hands. You could smell the sweat, hear the clock tickin’, and maybe even chuck a knight at some commie-loving cheater if he tried any funny business. That’s how real Americans played chess—like a barroom brawl with brains! But now? These so-called “esports” jokers are turning it into a glorified computer cartoon! They’re probably sipping soy lattes and wearing virtual reality goggles while they clickety-clack their way to checkmate. Makes me wanna puke!
This whole “digital chess” baloney is just another step toward turning our country into a nation of screen-staring zombies. First, they took our kids’ kickball games and gave ‘em iPads. Then they replaced our bowling alleys with “virtual reality” nonsense. Now they’re coming for chess? What’s next, digital apple pie? Computerized baseball? I bet these tech weirdos are already cooking up a way to play poker with emojis! Well, I say enough is enough! We gotta draw the line somewhere, and I’m drawing it right here, between the knight and the bishop!
And don’t get me started on this Magnus fella. Sounds like a foreigner to me, probably from one of those countries where they eat fish for breakfast and think soccer’s a real sport. Why ain’t we got a good ol’ American boy like Bobby Fischer—who was crazier than a sack of weasels but at least played on a real board—whupping these digital dandies? Instead, we’re cheering for some Norwegian hotshot and his Japanese-American rival playing on a computer screen in some “esports” tournament. Esports? More like E-sissy! Real sports involve sweat, dirt, and maybe a busted nose, not a keyboard and a Wi-Fi connection!
You know who’s behind this, don’t ya? The same pointy-headed Silicon Valley types who want us all plugged into their “metaverse” like a bunch of lab rats. They’re probably laughing their skinny jeans off, watching us trade our chessboards for their shiny gadgets. Well, I ain’t falling for it! I got my old wooden chess set right here, and I’ll challenge any of these esports punks to a real match. I’ll even let ‘em bring their fancy laptops—I’ll just smash ‘em with my king piece and call it checkmate!
Listen up, America: it’s time to take chess back from these techie traitors! Grab a board, carve your own pieces outta a two-by-four if you have to, and play like your grandpappy did—face-to-face, with grit and guts. Tell those esports eggheads to shove their mouses where the sun don’t shine! And if I ever catch Magnus Carlsen or Hikaru Nakamura in my town, I’ll challenge ‘em to a real chess match—winner gets to keep their dignity, loser has to admit computers are for commies! I’m Ed Anger, and I’m madder than a rook stuck in a blender!
Write to me at Weekly World News and tell me how you’re fighting this digital chess disaster. Together, we’ll save America, one checkmate at a time!
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