MAN WHO WROTE THE NEW TESTAMENT STILL ALIVE!

The New Testament is approximately 2000 years old, but miraculously the man who wrote it is still alive!
Mark Matthew Luke John, or as his friends call him, “Skippy,” hid his identity for almost two millennium
but decided to “go public” when he recently saw Donald Trump selling bibles online for $60.
“For years I was content seeing my bibles in churches and places like that. But when I saw Trump cashing
in on my work, I thought, ‘I’m not going to let this so-called billionaire cash in on my work,’ so I decided
to make myself known and sue him for copyright infringement.”

Asked how it’s possible he’s still alive after all this time, Skippy shrugged, “It’s a funny story. Back in the
day I came across this long-haired bearded guy talking to himself in the desert, yelling something like
‘Get behind me, Satan.’ I didn’t see anyone there, so I thought ‘Hmm. Maybe he’s dehydrated.’ So I
offered him some water from my pouch and he was very grateful. He said, ‘I’ll grant you one wish.’
“I thought ‘This guy’s wack,’ but I’ll humor him, so I wished for ‘Everlasting life.’ The guy smiled and
said, ‘Everlasting life. Catchy. Can I use that?’

“I left him there cursing at this invisible ‘Satan’ but after about 80 years I noticed I hadn’t died! So then I
started thinking, ‘I bet that was Jesus.’”

A few years after that, Skippy decided it was time to write Jesus’ story down. “I chose the name ‘Mark’
as in ‘Mark my words.’ Peasants had been telling and retelling stories about Jesus for years and they
kept getting wilder, so I figured I’d put it down on papyrus before it got too crazy.” Then he said, “I
added a few things for dramatic effect.”

It was an instant best-seller, Skippy says, proudly. ‘But there wasn’t a lot of entertainment back then, so
pretty soon the masses were crying out for a sequel. So I figured ‘Why not?’ but this time I wrote it
under the name ‘Matthew.’ And you know – you’ve always got to top the first one, so for the sequel I
added the virgin birth.”

“Luke” followed a few years later, but it was kind of a flop, Skippy said. “It didn’t move the bar that
much, That’s why, when I wrote the last one, ‘John’ I gave Jesus super-powers like walking on water and
feeding five thousand people from five loaves of bread and a couple fish.
“By that time I had an agent and he took me aside and said, ‘Ok, kid. I think that’s enough. You’re losing
credibility.’

As the years passed, religious wars and persecution sprung up in the region.
“I felt kind of responsible for that,” Skippy says. “So when Columbus discovered America, I hopped a
boat and moved to Flagstaff, Arizona, where the climate was similar to Bethlehem’s.”

“But now we’re increasingly seeing religious conflicts here, so I’m feeling guilty again.”
As a result, Skippy began seeing a psychiatrist, and after a few months, he had an unexpected
“revelation.”

“My shrink told me that the reason I wrote each gospel under a different name is because I have
multiple-personality disorder, and that accounted for the wild claims and changing nature of each book.
I was delusional!”

The doctor prescribed medication and since then Skippy says his personalities have been integrated.
“If I ever write another chapter, it’ll be ‘The Gospel According to Skippy.’”